Alonzo Couch

I’m Alonzo Couch

[Alonzo Couch @AlonzoCouch]

Just watched la la land for the first time and… Phew

[Alonzo Couch @AlonzoCouch]

I was put on this earth to be a hater. So hate I shall

[Alonzo Couch @AlonzoCouch]

Am I the only one who feels like they aren’t up to date in their Pinocchio lore? Like what does jiminy cricket do?

[Alonzo Couch @AlonzoCouch]

Club Tropicana baby

[Alonzo Couch @AlonzoCouch]

Never forget what they took from us

[Alonzo Couch @AlonzoCouch]

If I ever hear of you sniffing around my dogter again, I’ll ultimate punch you into next week

[Alonzo Couch @AlonzoCouch]

I FRIGGEN LOVE MY WIFE

[Alonzo Couch @AlonzoCouch]

I often think back on when I was eight and my back didn’t hurt all the time. What a time

[Alonzo Couch @AlonzoCouch]

Bonk

[Alonzo Couch @AlonzoCouch]

@Jessxadanielle I never comment, but you are the most beautiful womman I’ve ever seen. I know you’ll never see this, but I am the only one here who would actually treat you how you deserve to be treated; like the queen you are. But alas, you are probably already in a relationship that you (1/?)

[Alonzo Couch @AlonzoCouch]

“Son, there are two types of man. Those that were from Texas, and those that t’weren’t”
- William Richard

[Alonzo Couch @AlonzoCouch]

After being hit in the face twice for a tiktok challenge, disregard

[Alonzo Couch @AlonzoCouch]

I like my wife (don’t tell her)

[Alonzo Couch @AlonzoCouch]

About to go on a wauolk

[Alonzo Couch @AlonzoCouch]

Unfortunately, she escaped forty five minutes later

[Alonzo Couch @AlonzoCouch]

My wife just said Gnomeo and Juliet is a better movie than Toy Story 4

[Alonzo Couch @AlonzoCouch]

I’m trying to watch hozier but I’m dummy thick and can’t hear over the clapping of my ass

[Alonzo Couch @AlonzoCouch]

You all thought I was the dorkiest mf in middle school and now I’m having sex with the hottest woman on the planet

[Alonzo Couch @AlonzoCouch]

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