Andrew Milne

Jack of all trades, master of pun.

[Andrew Milne @AndrewMilne23]

“I don’t have a dog in this fight” - guy who just implied he has dogs in other fights

[Andrew Milne @AndrewMilne23]

In the early 2000s if you wanted to kidnap me (or almost any other kid), all you needed to do was send me a semi-believable admission letter from Hogwarts telling me your van was a port key. Would’ve been like shooting fish in a barrel

[Andrew Milne @AndrewMilne23]

The international airport terminal during the holidays is prime territory for spotting future divorces in the wild

[Andrew Milne @AndrewMilne23]

@MattiTweeets @AskLyft @lyft That’s messed up man. Hope you can get this sorted out!

[Andrew Milne @AndrewMilne23]

I don’t like confrontation but I do loved confrontation when I know I’m right. which is why I’m sad whenever I get on a plane and someone isn’t sitting in my seat. Please I need this battle that I’m guaranteed to win…

[Andrew Milne @AndrewMilne23]

Breaking news: chocolate named the MVP of trail mix for the 2022nd year in a row

[Andrew Milne @AndrewMilne23]

Breaking news: Left sock fired without cause after right sock goes missing.

[Andrew Milne @AndrewMilne23]

Whatever happened to bloopers? Bring them back

[Andrew Milne @AndrewMilne23]

Pilot after we’ve waited an hour to get off the plane: “Good news, the flight using our gate has left! However, another plane is gonna use it instead of us.” …then I feel like that doesn’t meet my standard for good news. “Good news, its a holiday! Well not for you but in China”

[Andrew Milne @AndrewMilne23]

Just caught myself loading some fresh content on my phone before entering the elevator because I was going to lose connection for all of 45 seconds. Might be addicted…

[Andrew Milne @AndrewMilne23]

Chocolate cake described as “rich” prefers to think of itself as “well off” or “fortunate”

[Andrew Milne @AndrewMilne23]

My popcorn bag says on the instructions not to use the microwave’s “Popcorn” setting. Whichever set of engineers spent years of their career working on that button only for it to be explicitly advised against by their one potential use case must be on suicide watch right now

[Andrew Milne @AndrewMilne23]

Does 6’4 ripped Alan Ritchson playing Jack Reacher retroactively make Tom Cruise’s Jack Reacher a comedy?

[Andrew Milne @AndrewMilne23]

Why I listen to podcasts:
2% - the topic interests me
3% - learning / self improvement
95% - fear of being left alone with my thoughts for more than 15 seconds

[Andrew Milne @AndrewMilne23]

Just saw Barcelona announced a player is out for 6 months with a torn bicep. Am I missing something? It’s soccer. Just take 2 two throwins a game off his plate and put him back in

[Andrew Milne @AndrewMilne23]

Long distance running is the least interesting interest someone can have

[Andrew Milne @AndrewMilne23]

Even if you’re feeling completely useless today, please remember you are way less useless than the arrows on the floor of grocery stores designed to beat Covid with one way aisles

[Andrew Milne @AndrewMilne23]

Shirt perpetually at the bottom of the pile in drawer that just had 10 shirts worth of fresh laundry placed on top of it begs to be put out of its misery

[Andrew Milne @AndrewMilne23]

Master’s of philosophy student uses reasoning learned from class to stave off the existential crisis forming from the realization they’ve spent 6 years off their life on a useless topic

[Andrew Milne @AndrewMilne23]

@coreyiambrose The fans have been knocking down my door so figured it was time to drop some 🔥

[Andrew Milne @AndrewMilne23]

Life hack: Actor who just gained 30 pounds is now looking for an overweight role so they can pass off their weight gain as method acting