&y S&ford

ATLien. jokist 🎤CONAN, Late Late Show, Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Not to name drop, but I have Crohn’s. Album/Special, Basket Case, out now. link below

[&y S&ford @AndySandford]

Posting this link for all who have asked if my album is on Tidal, iTunes, yada yada…yes. This link will show you all the platforms https://t.co/90zXN1qKgL

[&y S&ford @AndySandford]

We look to comedians to find the line, and then cross over that line. That is, as long as we aren't talking about the line I believe you just don't cross, buddy. I mean come on, man! That's a line you just DON'T CROSS, BUDDY!

[&y S&ford @AndySandford]

In some ways comedians ARE the modern day philosophers bc that is something people will teach for $, but not do for $.

[&y S&ford @AndySandford]

@maxfine_ already approaching "I BEEN playing on house money!" guy

[&y S&ford @AndySandford]

Another good one is putting on workout clothes and not doin a damn thing. That is called dumbass muscle confusion. If you're convincing enough, you never have to workout. Your muscles are too emotionally invested to accept your unwillingness to change.

[Henry Phillips @Henlips]

If you're looking to change up your exercise routine, you can try doing your morning jog backwards.

[&y S&ford @AndySandford]

@TotallyAllen oh plenty do, they just aren't on the grid and you can't look em straight in the eyes unless you yourself are in pounce mode

[&y S&ford @AndySandford]

@silkyjumbo oh junk!

[&y S&ford @AndySandford]

@feraljokes I knew I should've put experience with alcoholic family in my packet submission

[&y S&ford @AndySandford]

I am 40, but am owed at least 3 more years of my 30's. What paperwork do I need to fill out for me to be legally 37? I'm tellin ya, I'm not supposed to be 40. I'm not supposed to be alive, but I am on less borrowed time than this goddammit.

[&y S&ford @AndySandford]

I signed the stop Cop City petition thinking it was the pitch for a Bravo style reality show. Now that I am more informed, I will sign it again under my govt name.

[&y S&ford @AndySandford]

Hey Fandy Fandfords, I shit you not, there is a straight up GOAT'd silly skwad of harhar harbingers. A guffawfully hilarious lineup is set to lay siege to the stage at 529 in EAV tonight. Doors at 7, show at 8. Soul raptured to perc-atory at 10. iykykmf cum out ya goddam idiots!

[&y S&ford @AndySandford]

ok wtf I am tweeting/X'ing this from my laptop because the X app is gone from my phone. That is fuckin crazy, Musky ass dungeon bdsm lookin app

[&y S&ford @AndySandford]

Adjust for a 6ft change in latitude #sorry

[&y S&ford @AndySandford]

Appetizers really fall apart if you try to explain it to a reasonable foreigner.

“Uhh it’s like a basket of fried cheese, or loaded tater skins just to kickstart the appetite I think. I know 6 potatoes +all that shit seems filling but eating out is a dare here.”

[&y S&ford @AndySandford]

Most the line cooks I’ve known were more into the lines than the cooking.

[&y S&ford @AndySandford]

There’s a silly lil reel on ig where bricklayers setup a domino rally thing with a buncha bricks, & every mouth breather can’t help commenting “yeah good job makin more work for yourself!” So I said “u guys sure know how to ruin a fun lil video.” That’s all it takes. Triggered.

[&y S&ford @AndySandford]

@tveite Been fun watching their relevance plummet tbh

[&y S&ford @AndySandford]

Just heard Rx ad for something to combat “Treatment Resistant Depression.” Are they still accepting alternate names? If so, I humbly put forth, “hopelessly aware”

[&y S&ford @AndySandford]

@zachreinert0 Shouldn’t you let him first?! Wait…sorry 🤔