Angry BFlay (Parody)

It scares me to death to know I have the ability to turn a household pet into a tender taste explosion, but that's the price I pay for culinary genius. (Parody)

[Angry BFlay (Parody) @AngryBFlay]

There is no act more precious than eating a handful of chocolate chips out of the cupboard. It is a sacred moment between you, the cupboard, and the bag of Nestle semi-sweet chocolate chips that once had another purpose but now exist to give you strength in this time of weakness.

[Angry BFlay (Parody) @AngryBFlay]

I’d be remiss not to acknowledge my closest companion this and every holiday season, the fuckin’ bowl of nuts on the coffee table.

[Angry BFlay (Parody) @AngryBFlay]

The creators of eggnog understood consumers were clamoring for a drink that was one thing and one thing only: viscous.

[Angry BFlay (Parody) @AngryBFlay]

Thank you for bringing cookies. They’re fuckin’ disgusting and I thought they were meant to be ornaments.

[Angry BFlay (Parody) @AngryBFlay]

The internet has been so good for cooking because now when someone wants a recipe they get the recipe AND a list of potential changes to it straight from the batshit mind of Debbie from Minnesota.

[Angry BFlay (Parody) @AngryBFlay]

Fuck microwave reminder beeps. If I forgot I was making food something very serious has happened and I need you to fuck off for one second so I can concentrate.

[Angry BFlay (Parody) @AngryBFlay]

Want restaurant-quality results at home? Here are some tips for reviewing résumés for an in-house chef.

[Angry BFlay (Parody) @AngryBFlay]

If I have trouble exiting your patio seating area I'm just gonna jump the fence as I press enter on a one-star review.

[Angry BFlay (Parody) @AngryBFlay]

Choosing 2 sides is so fuckin' great because you get to stress out over a decision involving macaroni and cheese.

[Angry BFlay (Parody) @AngryBFlay]

You think your largest bag of kettle corn intimidates me? Look in my eyes: I'll buy kettle corn in a fuckin' grain silo.

[Angry BFlay (Parody) @AngryBFlay]

Instead of napkins we have a roll of paper towels at the table because I see no difference between your face and a fuckin' kitchen spill.

[Angry BFlay (Parody) @AngryBFlay]

Your love of chicken nuggets is so unique. Chicken and breading are both so divisive, but against all odds you enjoy the combination. Fuck.

[Angry BFlay (Parody) @AngryBFlay]

100% pure maple syrup completely transforms the pancake-eating experience from shameful to pure shame.

[Angry BFlay (Parody) @AngryBFlay]

Craft beer? As in arts and crafts? Like to you it's personal and important but everyone else thinks you made a piece of shit?

[Angry BFlay (Parody) @AngryBFlay]

This is your good French toast recipe? It looks an awful fuckin' lot like it's just bread with raisins in it.

[Angry BFlay (Parody) @AngryBFlay]

Before refrigeration iced tea was a fuckin' myth. People drank hot tea all the time, even when their throats felt fine.

[Angry BFlay (Parody) @AngryBFlay]

Fuck walk-up ice cream stands I will not be made into a spectacle for everyone successfully controlling their impulses.

[Angry BFlay (Parody) @AngryBFlay]

When your bananas rot to shit because you suck at eating fruit you don't suddenly deserve banana bread fuck you.

[Angry BFlay (Parody) @AngryBFlay]

Guacamole made at the table is so cool. I also clap for mashed potatoes because I'm a fuckin' idiot.

[Angry BFlay (Parody) @AngryBFlay]

When you say you love fair food what I hear is you love eating grease in a loud field.