Anna

I say things ✨NYC mom✨writer @mcsweeneys @slackjawhumor @huffpost @the_belladonnas @scarymommy @littleoldlady__ @ummuddy @havencomedy @frazzledhumor

[Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2]

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

[Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2]

I can’t possibly be snoring because I’m lying here listening to YOU snore

- a love story

[Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2]

I just had my physical and it turns out apple pie à la mode is not considered a healthy breakfast

[Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2]

“The Nightmare After Election Day”

- coming soon to an NY theater near you

[Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2]

Therapist: And what do we do when we panic about WWIII?

Me: Shop online for things we don’t need?

Therapist: Correct

[Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2]

I just choked on an egg and that’s how I know I should have ordered a waffle

[Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2]

For once I would just like a doctor to say don’t worry, you can fix this ailment by complaining about it

[Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2]

*describe yourself in one sentence*

Really wanted to get revenge but was sooo comfortable watching tv on the couch

[Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2]

Guys, something big and exciting is coming!! *

* my lunch

[Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2]

Any other middle-aged ladies feel like all you do all day is remove hair from some places while trying to grow it in others?

[Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2]

*watching Jaws with my kid*

Kid: Was this made in like the 1900s?

[Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2]

“We haven’t seen a midfielder use her left foot to deflect a free kick from a right footed fullback under light cloud cover since the second Thursday of the Tokyo Olympics”

- Olympics announcers

#OlympicGames #Paris2024 #ParisOlympics2024

[Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2]

I just heard my husband say “good, how are you?” and I was like “no one asked!” and then I realized he was on a work call

[Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2]

I’m pretty sure it was the Lord who said “She that doeseth the laundry shall keepeth the money she finds in the pockets”

[Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2]

My husband’s love language is a home cooked meal, which is sad for him

[Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2]

I own a lot of stockings for someone who wears pajamas all day

[Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2]

Conversations with the cable company:

Me: I’d like to cancel my service

Cable company: Of course, I’d be glad to help! But first, I’d like to try and sell you a few other things…

[Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2]

If you’re at the gym but you’re not snapping every five seconds, are you even a teenager?

[Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2]

That time I accidentally parked half on the sidewalk and in a tree, but couldn’t freak out about it because my teen daughter was with me and I had to MoDeL gOoD bEhAviOr

[Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2]

Anyone who has gifted my child a harmonica, whistle or kazoo shall be sentenced to listen to the presidential debate on repeat for the rest of eternity

[Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2]

@EricZorn @carpeangela @missmulrooney @UncleDuke1969 @Fulkery1 @OFalafel @TheDeducers @jpbrammer @ddsmidt @adamgreattweet Thanks for including me!