The Arkansas Press

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[The Arkansas Press @ArkansasPress]

BREAKING: Governor Sanders Pilot’s Nation’s First Mandatory Vacation Bible School in State of Arkansas

“Our sights are set on seeing students baptized in our K-6 classrooms during daily devotionals.”

DEVELOPING

[The Arkansas Press @ArkansasPress]

We used to have a dolphin but I got rid of him because he kept sending me mental pictures of underwater pyramids and two headed snakes.

[The Arkansas Press @ArkansasPress]

Also, in the Olympics, they could blindfold a bunch of owls and turtles and just see what happened.

[The Arkansas Press @ArkansasPress]

If they had a hot lava touching contest or did some kind of challenge where people walked on snakes in the Olympics I would totally do that.

[The Arkansas Press @ArkansasPress]

Wow. Never tried vegan mouthwash. But this stuff really works!

[The Arkansas Press @ArkansasPress]

If you don't think there's a talking snake in the woods trying to convince a naked lady to eat an apple what do you even believe?

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Eagles are way cooler than horses. That's why Eagles are on money, not horses. But that one horse has wings. He could totally be on there.

[The Arkansas Press @ArkansasPress]

Was digging in the backyard last night trying to remember where I hid the silverware and found like 650,000 Atari E.T. cartridges.

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With me as V.P. you won't have to find safe restrooms for your kids because they'll be required to carry automatic weapons.

#SafetyFirst

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I know for a fact that Paul Ryan lets his children watch Harry Potter.

[The Arkansas Press @ArkansasPress]

Does Paul Ryan have what it takes to keep your baby from dying in the next Ebola epidemic? No.

I can hold my breath for like four minutes.

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Paul Ryan can't talk to owls.

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Remember, Paul Ryan wasn't governor for a little while. I was. Plus I had to quit because it was time to go on a vision quest in the forest.

[The Arkansas Press @ArkansasPress]

The Bible is clear. It's written in plain English. If you can't read it you need to move back to whatever terrorist country you came from.

[The Arkansas Press @ArkansasPress]

Trust me. My decisions have been prayed over and are perfectly in line with the Word of God. Also, I can drink poison and dance with snakes.

[The Arkansas Press @ArkansasPress]

I knew Trump would win New York because Jesus came to me in a dream with architectural plans for the biggest most beautiful wall in history.