Arthur Wingsmith

Hello. I'm Arthur Wingsmith. I'm ontologically weird. Pen name for @NathanielJWard. Whimsilist.

[Arthur Wingsmith @ArthurWingsmith]

The Bats have commanded me to pin this Tweet thusly ... Wait, is ‘thusly’ a word? [Squeaky, whisperish, squeakishy]. Really? [Squeaksheesh]. Okay, so the Bats say it is a word, and the Bats never lie: “Batspiricy” https://t.co/mM0J7kXT9Q via @NathanielJWard

[Arthur Wingsmith @ArthurWingsmith]

My best guess, is that this #vss365 works better if you read it while imagining the tune to Led Zeppelin’s “Immigrant Song” in your head. ... Or, as I shall now think of it, Chook Zeppelin’s “Fowl-a-grant Song”.

[Arthur Wingsmith @ArthurWingsmith]

The #Mule knows ALL your secrets. Vote Mule, or else.

#vss365

[Arthur Wingsmith @ArthurWingsmith]

The sign on the door read:

“George Grimtoes. Riverboat captain. Fearsome #adversary. Saltier than a glass of brackish water that’s been dipped in the sea. Payment in advance. No time wasters. No fancy coffee. No WiFi.”

Yep, I thought, this is gonna suck.

#vss365

[Arthur Wingsmith @ArthurWingsmith]

It always ends in sandwiches, for some reason.

[Arthur Wingsmith @ArthurWingsmith]

“Behold this invention that shall save us all. Marvel upon this technology that shall prevent the planet from disintegrating into a barren waste of endless desert. I present to you: #Articulated Water.”

“I think you mean: reticulated water.”

“You’re gonna wish I did.”

#vss365

[Arthur Wingsmith @ArthurWingsmith]

Oh #muddled casserole, you have deceived me. I followed the instructions. I procured all the stipulated herbs, spices, and ingredients. I even did the things that seemed weird, just because the recipe said I should. And yet, this is not the hearty meal the photo promised.
#vss365

[Arthur Wingsmith @ArthurWingsmith]

@Jacopo_della_Q “I mean, what did they think was gonna happen?”

“I know, right?”

[Arthur Wingsmith @ArthurWingsmith]

A musician trying to catch a break. A writer that wants the ‘right’ life experience. A scientist ... doing science stuff. They’re all small town young people with big city dreams. They’re all: “#Opaline Stardust”. COMING SOON.

#vss365

[Arthur Wingsmith @ArthurWingsmith]

I don’t want to alarm you, but you should be aware that there are monkeys in this forest. And it is true, monkeys are awesome, #lively creatures. Yet today they scared me a little with their call. It was the sort of haunting sound you imagine a banshee might make if—

#vss365

[Arthur Wingsmith @ArthurWingsmith]

D. #Lively-1 isn’t your standard android assassin. Unlike other soulless kill-machines, it is programmed to deliver context appropriate one liners after a hit. Most of these are terrible puns. And, as everyone knows, terrible puns are the best kind of hilarious wordplay.

#vss365

[Arthur Wingsmith @ArthurWingsmith]

Are you an #inquisitive person? Do you possess a mind that needs answers; one that will probe relentlessly until it uncovers the truth? We at the Bureau of Intersting People want to hear from you. Visit our website to register for an interview today. We have cookies.

#vss365

[Arthur Wingsmith @ArthurWingsmith]

The surprise hit at the #Kinetic Feasts Expo is not what you’d expect. ... Which makes sense, since it’s a “surprise hit”. I mean, by definition you can’t be surprised by something you expect. Who wrote this shit? ... Jerry wrote it? Wasn’t he fired? ... Why not? ... Oh.

#vss365

[Arthur Wingsmith @ArthurWingsmith]

“You have news, jester?”

“The bestest, my liege. The lawyers say that the real prince abused his power. You couldn’t have refused, or known that he’d die while pretending to be you. Legally, you are not a #usurper, but a victim of identity theft.

“That IS good news.”

#vss365

[Arthur Wingsmith @ArthurWingsmith]

Hello, you have reached me via a device. I’m not here right now. I get how that’s both aggravating and inconvenient. Here’s the deal: I was unable to #obviate all my feelings today, which means I am unable to deal with any of the world’s bullshit at this time. Apologies.

#vss365

[Arthur Wingsmith @ArthurWingsmith]

“#Yip—“

“Don’t do it. We talked about this. You say it, they’ll come for us both.”

“Sorry. I forgot. ... What about if I—“

“No.”

#vss365

[Arthur Wingsmith @ArthurWingsmith]

“We managed to #disinter the toe you asked about, Inspector. Not much to say yet. We’ll know more after the autopsy. Although he doesn’t want to commit to it just yet, the Medical Examiner suspects it came from a foot.”

“A foot? ... That IS interesting.”

#vss365

[Arthur Wingsmith @ArthurWingsmith]

Struggling with a complex mind-thingy problem? Have a big exam, but don’t what to study because it’ll ruin your super-awesomeness? Relaxify yourself, I can show you how to do all your learny-stuff while you sleep. Buy my book “#Latent Thinky-do” to find out more.

#vss365

[Arthur Wingsmith @ArthurWingsmith]

“What, no #encore?”

“What, no applause?”

“I see your point.”

#vss365

[Arthur Wingsmith @ArthurWingsmith]

“But General, you can’t. The articles of war prohibit the use of such weapons against civilian populations. You’ll be executed as a war criminal.”

“History will judge me as it will, Colonel. I do only what must be done. Deploy the #Circus.”

#vss365