aspen lawler

[jon drake @DrakeGatsby]

My son is sick so his voice is all congested-sounding and he asked me for crepes for breakfast. So I googled a crepe recipe, made a crepe even though I never have before. Put it down in front of him and he was like “these are grapes?” He just wanted some grapes.

[⚔️brodiereed⚔️ @ayobrobro]

I think the biggest flaw in perspective most Americans have is we take our position in the World Order for granted. On an international scale we are DYING. I'm a freak for history and trying to get normal people to understand shit so indulge me for a second while I rant:

[ZOE AMIRA SLICK 🦋 @zoeamira]

i’m so tired of abortion rights being framed around truly tragic circumstances like assault and incest. if you get pregnant & you don’t want to be pregnant, it is your right over your own body that is under siege. no one, including a fetus, can use your body against your consent.

[Paul Dee @RyanIsExhausted]

The biggest change America has seen regarding guns in the last two decades.

[oatmeal influencer @acechhh]

we are in the ultimate hell timeline scrolling through tweets about roe v wade being overturned and then like cara delevingne painted in gold

[🐌 @Wheeema]

slushies be sooo good until u gotta ⮃ → ⤡ ↯ ⬈ ⥃ ↜ ↫ ↶ ↳ ↴ ↺ with the straw

[Warren Gunnels @GunnelsWarren]

U.S. oligarchs:

Elon Musk Wealth
2012: $2 billion
2022: $266 billion

Jeff Bezos Wealth
2012: $18 billion
2022: $180 billion

Bill Gates Wealth
2012: $61 billion
2022: $133 billion

Warren Buffett Wealth
2012: $44 billion
2022: $125 billion

Minimum Wage
2009: $7.25
2022: $7.25

[JP @jpbrammer]

let's do pangea again get the girls back together

[chrissy @chrissychlapp]

stupid little 7 dollar coffee by day stupid little 13 dollar martini by night

[Keefler @Keefler_Elf]

at this point fuck it let’s just do jurassic park. who cares

[limp brittzkit @Brittymigs]

Moms love to go “did you hear?” and then proceed to tell you the saddest story you’ve ever heard in your life

[trash jones @jzux]

$16 bottle of wine: outrageous. what am i, a prince?

$16 cocktail: I guess this seems about right

[the vibe formerly known as jules @echotrx]

Between the Urban dictionary shit and the bus shit it's 100% clear that we're in a meme recession

[Dr.🍁 @_alwayssautumn]

I was unaware I needed an island with built in seating but here we are

[limp brittzkit @Brittymigs]

If i went to medical school for nearly a decade and was actively trying to save the world from a deadly virus and someone was like “no i can’t get vaxxed my cousin on Facebook shared a really compelling infographic” to my face, i would honestly launch myself into the sea