aspersioncast

what a shithole

[aspersioncast @Aspersioncast]

Don’t it always seem to go
That you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone
They shut down the world for 2yrs and brought a recession on

[aspersioncast @Aspersioncast]

Robbing a bank is like leaving school at the end of the day.
There’s an alarm going off as you run out the front doors carrying a heavy bag, and hopefully there’s someone waiting in a car to get you the fuck out of there.

[aspersioncast @Aspersioncast]

What about a comedy movie about a woman who gets possessed, but she hasn't got time to be possessed because she’s on her way to get married.
We can call it, Bride to be Possessed.

[aspersioncast @Aspersioncast]

I’ve watched a lot of Sci-fi and I feel like Barbarella was the only person who put any effort into making the inside of a spaceship look comfortable.

[aspersioncast @Aspersioncast]

Fuck Cosplay, maybe if we just let teenagers take drugs we wouldn’t have to put up with shit like this.

[aspersioncast @Aspersioncast]

Taken 4 Plot: Liam Neeson’s granddaughter gets taken to Mars by the Albanians. The only way he can get her back is to turn into a Jedi again but Disney won’t allow it & production gets shut down.

[aspersioncast @Aspersioncast]

I find crazy women a bit attractive which is lucky for me because that covers about 90% of them.

[aspersioncast @Aspersioncast]

I’m glad I’m a vegetarian, whenever I read recipes that say, “Insert your meat thermometer into the thickest part of the meat to check if it’s ready”....it’s like, I’m pretty sure that’s how little Kanye Wests are born.

[aspersioncast @Aspersioncast]

There are so many movies made about people coming out that it would be nice to see just one about someone going back in.

[aspersioncast @Aspersioncast]

It’s hard for a woman not to look sexy but that’s what fashion trends are for.

[aspersioncast @Aspersioncast]

I don’t understand these part-time relationships people have today.
If someone has sex with you & doesn’t want to hang out with you 90% of the time & ruin your life....something is wrong.

[aspersioncast @Aspersioncast]

It’s a shame when your girlfriend is so jealous that when the UberEats chick delivers your food you have to yell,
“Thanks for that you dirty hoebag!”

[aspersioncast @Aspersioncast]

When you have ants in your house it’s like having an annoying unwanted maid service.

The floor is clean leave it!

Oh no mr greg
We still find crumbs.

[aspersioncast @Aspersioncast]

So I cut my hand & run to bathroom looking for bandages.
Blood runs over the tiles, makes a pattern on the grout & pools near the drain.
I’m using profanity of course, holy Jesus mother of fucking christ etc.
And that’s how I summoned the demon from gates of hell accidentally.

[aspersioncast @Aspersioncast]

@LouisTheTillett We’ll all vouch for him, damn it’s like they don’t understand he’s a national treasure.

[aspersioncast @Aspersioncast]

It’s so cute watching two rappers having a fight.
Here, I wrote you a song.
Here, I wrote YOU a song.
#Killshot

[aspersioncast @Aspersioncast]

I’m pretty open minded but I don’t really believe in Big Foot, The Loch Ness Monster or The Big Banana.

[aspersioncast @Aspersioncast]

#BachelorInParadise taught me that all in doesn’t always mean all in, sometimes it means just the tip.

[aspersioncast @Aspersioncast]

Warning labels used to say
“Not to be Taken Orally”
but now they just say,
“Not to be Taken”
I guess it’s best not to assume.

[aspersioncast @Aspersioncast]

I hope they make a sequel to Gone Girl & call it Gone Baby Gone.
Where’s Gone Girl?
She’s Gone Baby Gone.
It’s ok Batman will find her.