Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica. Assistant to the regional manager (@TobyHater).

[Michael Gary Scott @TobyHater]

Jim and Pam couples t-shirts available just in time for Valentine’s Day!

Order for you and your significant other today: https://t.co/mYAixfblTx

[Jake Peralta Would Never @peraltawouldnt]

Detective Jake Peralta would never unironically call a woman a b*tch

[Jake Peralta Would Never @peraltawouldnt]

Detective Jake Peralta would never lay out this false dichotomy

[Jake Peralta Would Never @peraltawouldnt]

Detective Jake Peralta would never cheat in the first place

[Michael Gary Scott @TobyHater]

Cozy up on the couch to watch with an Office-Themed Christmas Sweater! 🎄❄️🎅☃️

For free shipping use code: CHRISTMAS
https://t.co/mYAixfblTx

[Michael Gary Scott @TobyHater]

Every Christmas Episode in The Office:

🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄
Season 2: Episode 10
Season 3: Episode 10
Season 5: Episode 11
Season 6: Episode 13
Season 7: Episodes 11&12
Season 8: Episode 10
Season 9: Episode 9
🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄

You’re welcome.

[Dwight Kurt Schrute III @AsstToTobyHater]

People say, ‘oh it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the workplace.’ Well I say, it’s better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose.

[Dwight Kurt Schrute III @AsstToTobyHater]

Women are like wolves. If you want one you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.

[Dwight Kurt Schrute III @AsstToTobyHater]

Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

[Dwight Kurt Schrute III @AsstToTobyHater]

The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat is the strong hand you want on the wheel.

[Dwight Kurt Schrute III @AsstToTobyHater]

‘R’ is the most menacing sound in the English language. That’s why it’s called ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk.’

[Dwight Kurt Schrute III @AsstToTobyHater]

I never smile if I can help it, Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. Someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for it’s life.

[Dwight Kurt Schrute III @AsstToTobyHater]

The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this… Maybe they have something against living forever.

[Dwight Kurt Schrute III @AsstToTobyHater]

Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don’t hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins aren’t smart. They just like pushing things.

[Dwight Kurt Schrute III @AsstToTobyHater]

Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don’t, you’ll be eaten in your sleep.

[Dwight Kurt Schrute III @AsstToTobyHater]

I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors.

[Dwight Kurt Schrute III @AsstToTobyHater]

Ladies, if he

-runs a beet farm
-is a volunteer sheriffs deputy
-wishes he could menstruate
-thinks we need a new plague
-knows everything about bears
-frequently responds ‘FALSE’

he’s not your man, he’s assistant to the regional manager at Dunder Mifflin, Dwight Schrute

[Dwight Kurt Schrute III @AsstToTobyHater]

No don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.

[Dwight Kurt Schrute III @AsstToTobyHater]

A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.

[Dwight Kurt Schrute III @AsstToTobyHater]

Those who can’t farm, farm celery.