Austin Sullins

Came for bad jokes, stayed for sad tweets

[Austin Sullins @AustinOfLegend]

Ah, I see you have your eye on Abundance. Yeah, she is a beaut. But let’s aim for something more your speed, like Struggle. “Comfort”? Nah, we ran out of those 20 years ago. We don’t let Stinky Greedy Pigs get any of that, even if we did have it in stock. You ever try Decay?

[Austin Sullins @AustinOfLegend]

Fuck @ICEgov, choke on the boots you’re licking. Fuck @realDonaldTrump, hope you die in agony. Arrest me, pussies

[World Affairs @World_Affairs11]

BREAKING:

The US says it will arrest all people who criticize ICE on social media.

[Austin Sullins @AustinOfLegend]

Why are all the hottest women super into collecting corpses?

[Austin Sullins @AustinOfLegend]

“You know me, I’m either ballin or bawlin”

[Austin Sullins @AustinOfLegend]

A book lent is a book given

The goal in sharing a story with someone is for them to cherish it enough that they want to keep it, eventually to allow someone else to “borrow”

[Austin Sullins @AustinOfLegend]

Who is Brooklyn and why can’t I sleep ‘til she

[Austin Sullins @AustinOfLegend]

Guy dies mid coitus

We call that Rest In Pussy

[Big Tucson Dad @BigTucsonDad]

I went to the silly goose convention and they all knew you

[Austin Sullins @AustinOfLegend]

Person on their cheat day: carb-e diem

[Austin Sullins @AustinOfLegend]

Nothing says “cog in the machine” quite like getting home too tired to bother taking off your work clothes

[Austin Sullins @AustinOfLegend]

Uber drivers keep rating me 4 stars for politely sitting silently in their backseat. I’m paying you to drive me somewhere, am I supposed to do a magic trick or something

[Austin Sullins @AustinOfLegend]

Bidets are literally just the toilet peeing back at you. You’ve armed the toilet for lukewarm revenge

[Austin Sullins @AustinOfLegend]

“I never got sucked into the dead of night”

[Austin Sullins @AustinOfLegend]

Day 8,229 of cosplaying a boy who’s easily flustered

[Austin Sullins @AustinOfLegend]

The hand-on-passenger-seat-while-reversing maneuver is just a car kabedon

[Austin Sullins @AustinOfLegend]

“Should I get steamed or fried”
My internal monologue: what kind of weed lingo is that?
“I think I’ll get fried dumplings”
My dumb ass: …

[Austin Sullins @AustinOfLegend]

Bitches be like “if I can’t pronounce it I don’t eat it” then buy a jar of “100% pure” tea tree oil that’s 95% unlabeled mystery substance

[Austin Sullins @AustinOfLegend]

The masculine urge to spend $70 for some good fucking ham

[Austin Sullins @AustinOfLegend]

There’s nothing like the childish glee when you set down the soap bottle and are greeted by a fountain of bubbles