James Murphy

Would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 🇺🇦

[James Murphy @AverageCynic]

Had to watch Goldeneye earlier, because my microwave dinner had the instruction "Pierce film before heating".

[James Murphy @AverageCynic]

@DRYuillKirkwood @ladychatterley The UKCA symbol is the UK's own safety certification that replaced the CE mark after Brexit. All products coming into the UK need this mark (exactly the same as CE, but "British" 😒)
It doesn't mean UK to Canada, but I think this is for parts of USA, Mexico, Canada & Japan

[James Murphy @AverageCynic]

Why do golfers always carry a spare pair of pants?
In case they shit them

I think that's the punchline, I dunno. I'll be honest, it's been a while since I've heard this one. Took a flyer on it.

#jokes #classic

[James Murphy @AverageCynic]

Nothing to see here, just Ancient Greeks making dildoughs, as you do.

Fuck-accia
Ciabatt-her
Pit-ahhhhhh
Pump-her-nickel
Naan-of-your-business

Sorry everyone. I'm not proud of this tweet.

[Angela Rayner @AngelaRayner]

It's beyond shameful that Rishi Sunak thinks threatening to sack nurses and teachers is the answer.

We’ll oppose this divisive attack on working people.
https://t.co/ghkZ8hmRI9

[James Murphy @AverageCynic]

Is anyone else doing Dry January?

I am... And I'm so confident, that I've taken the rubber sheet off my bed.
#DryJanuary #dryjanuary2023

[Otto English @Otto_English]

That's it. That's the story.

[Dr Rosena @DrRosena]

Labour are a team, @Keir_Starmer, @WesStreeting and I are fully united in our determination to fix the NHS.

The most urgent issue facing the NHS is a lack of staff. That is why Labour has a plan to reform healthcare across the country, recruiting more staff.

[Gary Neville @GNev2]

They did!

[James Murphy @AverageCynic]

@Missives0fASub @DavidBedwell @LouiseOnAir Better late than never. Flu has been well and truly kicking my arse this past week.
Hope you all had a lovely Christmas and New Year.
Did Santa bring you everything you wanted? Sadly, he didn't for me. I asked for World peace... Nah, did I balls. I asked for a Mr Frosty ☹️

[James Murphy @AverageCynic]

It's a terrible business strategy to call the customer a liar if your driver fails at their job twice.

We are going to go through PayPal for the refund.

Really shitty service.

[James Murphy @AverageCynic]

.@JustEatUK One of your drivers has marked order as "Delivered" but they have not been here! We just applied for a refund and have had an immediate reply saying request has been declined (because this happened previously). You need to look at your driver in the Castleford area!!

[James Murphy @AverageCynic]

Is this a parody account? It must be, surely.

The number of beds isn't the problem... There are no staff to look after the people in those bed (main reason for Nurse's strikes)

This is like saying a single builder could build more stuff if you simply give him 5 toolkits.

[John Redwood @johnredwood]

We hear how the NHS is short of beds. Why don’t managers put more in?

[James Murphy @AverageCynic]

Hi @RoyalMail
I know you've had strikes, but a Xmas present was posted on 6th December and the tracking is still showing as "we've got it" at the post office it was posted at. Can you check this is true. And if it is, why hasn't it moved anywhere in almost 3 weeks?!

[James Murphy @AverageCynic]

Thanks for the "Goodwill Gesture" @JustEatUK

We ordered lunch and half of the order was totally missing. You very kindly refunding us for stuff we didn't get is awfully nice. It's the same level of service that I've had from Nissan, and I've never bought anything from Nissan

[James Murphy @AverageCynic]

Grealish really does give you so many extra options when he comes on.
He can receive the ball, take it forward 3 paces, before stopping, turning around and passing back to Luke Shaw.
Or he can receive the ball, take it forward 4 paces....
#ENGSEN #WorldCup

[James Murphy @AverageCynic]

Netherlands looking like they could really "Netherlands" this.
#WorldCup #NEDUSA

[Giles Paley-Phillips @eliistender10]

The best werewolf transformation ever!

[James Murphy @AverageCynic]

Just incredible. Where are the medical experts?!? Clearly a very nasty head injury. No way should he have been allowed to continue for any amount of time.
#FIFAWorldCup

[James Murphy @AverageCynic]

I'm calling it now. 70+% possession = a 1-0 win (Kane penalty)
#FIFAWorldCup #ENGIRN

[James Murphy @AverageCynic]

England dressing room before kick off
Southgate: "Remember lads. Most importantly of all... It's "God save the KING" now. Okay? Let's go!"
#FIFAWorldCup #ENGIRN