Bigwood

A dad, a chef and a self proclaimed funny man. Sometimes you gotta hold it down, and other times you just gotta send it.

[Bigwood @BIGGERWHEEZ]

Dads are always like “i guess they let just about anyone in here” and it’s just some guy from work having dinner with his family at Denny’s.

[Bigwood @BIGGERWHEEZ]

A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless your diabetic then a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down.

[Bigwood @BIGGERWHEEZ]

@Kevinhaime @fordnation open the golf courses and not your gullet.

[Bigwood @BIGGERWHEEZ]

You ever been chillin silently and your brain just goes “Shakira Shakira”

[Bigwood @BIGGERWHEEZ]

some guy:

it’s called Johnny Bravo. it’s about a dude who still lives at home with his mom. his best friend is a kid who lives next door and his only goal is to get laid. it’s a kids show.

cartoon network executive:

*rippin a line of coke*
fuck yeah dude i love it

[Bigwood @BIGGERWHEEZ]

I fuckin love toast. What kind of absolute genius took a bite of toasted bread and was like “cook it again“ that’s unreal to me.

[Bigwood @BIGGERWHEEZ]

Not a single person asked me how fast I could run in my new shoes today. Being and adult is fucking stupid.

[Bigwood @BIGGERWHEEZ]

some guy:

it’s called Johnny Bravo. it’s about a dude who still lives at home with his mom. his best friend is a kid who lives next door and his only goal is to get laid. it’s a kids show.

cartoon network executive:

*rippin a line of coke*
fuck yeah dude i love it

[Bigwood @BIGGERWHEEZ]

dad’s be like “go help your mother” and I be like bro go help your wife

[Bigwood @BIGGERWHEEZ]

Whether you believe in God or not I think it’s hilarious to picture Him giving certain people allergies.

Like, “hahahahhHhhah ok Greg’s gonna be allergic to pollen but don’t worry Greg this is because I love you unconditionally lmfao good luck at camp”

[Bigwood @BIGGERWHEEZ]

You ever been so high you have to switch your breathing from automatic to manual?

[Bigwood @BIGGERWHEEZ]

Do you know what 50 Cent did when he was hungry?

58

Please don’t unfollow me

[Bigwood @BIGGERWHEEZ]

Charcuterie boards are like babies, because anyone can make them and everyone thinks the one they made is great. Mine is great tho.

[Bigwood @BIGGERWHEEZ]

Just need to close my eyes for just like a quick five to ten days.

[Bigwood @BIGGERWHEEZ]

what if cinderella was a baking slave instead of a cleaning slave and her name was mozzarella

[Bigwood @BIGGERWHEEZ]

i’ve seen literally no one in the past two months and i’m somehow sick of people

[Bigwood @BIGGERWHEEZ]

being a baby is crazy, like imagine going to sleep in ur bed and waking up in a restaurant lol

[Bigwood @BIGGERWHEEZ]

I never know how to give someone a “Blank Inside” card... its like:

“Hey, I’m sorry you’re feeling so, blank inside.”

[Bigwood @BIGGERWHEEZ]

Do you this Chewbacca has pecs or a trail of tiny teets like a pig?

[Bigwood @BIGGERWHEEZ]

Have you ever tried to rush out bed to go pee and rush back with your eyes closed so you don’t lose any of your “tired”?