Kermit the Cowardly Frog

Just a piece of gunk peeping out from beneath the foreskin of the universe

[Kermit the Cowardly Frog @BILL_CAKESPEARE]

In a rush? I've noticed coughing in a Uber ride speeds up your trip by roughly 15-20% #protip

[Kermit the Cowardly Frog @BILL_CAKESPEARE]

It's 2023, why are we still making squeeze bottles that squeeze from the top?

[Kermit the Cowardly Frog @BILL_CAKESPEARE]

And don't say he holds it. 24hr of nonstop milk and cookies? The man would explode

[Kermit the Cowardly Frog @BILL_CAKESPEARE]

Does Santa shit in his sleigh? If not, where does he shit?

[Kermit the Cowardly Frog @BILL_CAKESPEARE]

Pro tip: Werther's Original caramel hard candies taste better when pre-heated in a warm pocket

[Kermit the Cowardly Frog @BILL_CAKESPEARE]

With all these tropes of people who lie growing long noses, it's interesting that we haven't developed a subconscious sense of trust in people with flatter noses

[Kermit the Cowardly Frog @BILL_CAKESPEARE]

Bizquito Limpé: A mariachi Limp Bizkit cover band

[Kermit the Cowardly Frog @BILL_CAKESPEARE]

If Flounder doesn't look like this MF I don't want it

[Kermit the Cowardly Frog @BILL_CAKESPEARE]

I don't care what anyone says, I'm boycotting the new Little Mermaid because of a terrible casting decision. The fact that after 33 years they still haven't cast an actual flounder to play Flounder is #disgusting

[Kermit the Cowardly Frog @BILL_CAKESPEARE]

Jesus probably smelled like ass

[Kermit the Cowardly Frog @BILL_CAKESPEARE]

Man armies used to be so far apart before a big battle. That long ass run towards the middle looks exhausting. Just shoot me with an arrow and save me the trouble #NotTryingToBeDeadAndTired

[Kermit the Cowardly Frog @BILL_CAKESPEARE]

A quesadilla is just a Mexican grilled cheese sandwich

[Kermit the Cowardly Frog @BILL_CAKESPEARE]

Wake up people! Women are just jealous of of our cargo shorts because their shorts don't come with any pockets #TheHardTruth

[Kermit the Cowardly Frog @BILL_CAKESPEARE]

If flip flops are considered an article of clothing, am I naked if I walk out the house with only my sole slappers on? #WeNeedAnswers

[Kermit the Cowardly Frog @BILL_CAKESPEARE]

The urge to get a quick pump on before going into the gym to return my fob to show I don't need them anymore #FakeItTilYouMakeIt

[Kermit the Cowardly Frog @BILL_CAKESPEARE]

Algorithm... Al Gore Rhythm... Coincidence? I think not #IDoMyOwnResearch

[Kermit the Cowardly Frog @BILL_CAKESPEARE]

Helados Mexico got the best popcicle sticks in the game #HandsDown

[Kermit the Cowardly Frog @BILL_CAKESPEARE]

Nissan Altimas are the black Forces of cars

[Kermit the Cowardly Frog @BILL_CAKESPEARE]

We'd probably cut down on a lot of plastic waste if people just learned to use chopsticks instead of plastic forks at restaurants

[Kermit the Cowardly Frog @BILL_CAKESPEARE]

When they scrape the food with that knife so you can hear how crispy it is? God damn that's my shit. Give me some of that