Bates Co Fake News

Bates County's finest Fake News Source

[Bates Co Fake News @BatesCoFakeNews]

Never start a land war in Adrian.

And never go against a Rich Hillian when death is on the line.

[Bates Co Fake News @BatesCoFakeNews]

Upcoming urban school football opponent is “very athletic but undisciplined“, according to area dad who “may as well be an assistant coach.”

[Bates Co Fake News @BatesCoFakeNews]

Study from the Kaysinger Basin Regional Planning Commission—No correlation between playing video games involving river flooding and actual river flooding, in spite of recent claims.

[Bates Co Fake News @BatesCoFakeNews]

Flood control now!

[Bates Co Fake News @BatesCoFakeNews]

You can’t legislate rainfall. Flood control doesn’t work.

[Bates Co Fake News @BatesCoFakeNews]

“If we just had better control of the Kansas Border, none of that Kansas water would come into our county and flood the Marais des Cygnes”, says concerned Athol resident.

[Bates Co Fake News @BatesCoFakeNews]

Bates County agrees: Now is clearly not the time to discuss periodic Marais des Cygnes flooding.

[Bates Co Fake News @BatesCoFakeNews]

Area child reports family dog doing its best not to make eye contact with Mom’s boyfriend.

[Bates Co Fake News @BatesCoFakeNews]

Cognitive Dissonance Alert: Simultaneously grateful you grew up in the pre-cell phone camera era and saying “these kids today are terrible. Kids in my day would never do that.”

[Bates Co Fake News @BatesCoFakeNews]

Report: Belief that local teens are the worst they’ve ever been strongest among Adrian parents with poor memories of their teen years.

[Bates Co Fake News @BatesCoFakeNews]

Related: researchers note that Bates County parents from the 1970s to 1990s struggled to make time for anything except the ass-beatings that kept communities from descending into total anarchy.

[Bates Co Fake News @BatesCoFakeNews]

32 year old Drexel man starts vaping early today after second phone call from 58 year old colleague saying, “I just sent you an email.”

[Bates Co Fake News @BatesCoFakeNews]

We’ll always have MCBee’s

[Bates Co Fake News @BatesCoFakeNews]

Restauranteur/Sheriff opens Taco Truck at 52W and 71 Hwy.

“I saw an opportunity and I seized it,” said the good sheriff.

[Bates Co Fake News @BatesCoFakeNews]

Ristorantes for sale en Butler and Nevada. El Cheapo

[Bates Co Fake News @BatesCoFakeNews]

Adrian man observes Memorial Day with temporary “Some Gave All” profile pic, a discounted bedroom suit, and a blackout drunk by dinner.

[Bates Co Fake News @BatesCoFakeNews]

Burdette woman finally breaks. “Yes, Marsha, it is goddamn rainy enough for me, okay?”

[Bates Co Fake News @BatesCoFakeNews]

Teacher in Minnesota held accountable for mistreating students. Not a single Bates County teacher uses Facebook to threaten citizens that they’ll stop teaching.

[Bates Co Fake News @BatesCoFakeNews]

School bus driver in Deer Creek township has had about enough of this shit.

[Bates Co Fake News @BatesCoFakeNews]

Butler asshole convinced that the Royals’ hot start is spoiling local kids.