Dⓔⓢⓟⓘⓒⓐⓑⓛⓔ_B☄️

#envydastrength #theobscuregentlemen

[Dⓔⓢⓟⓘⓒⓐⓑⓛⓔ_B☄️ @BeagirlNJ]

Sorry, I Can't make it.
I'm busy complaining about the heat on Facebook.

[MiAmo Ⓜ @MaMikeamo]

I'll judge you by how many times you drive daily into the same pothole.

[🏴‍☠️ How YOU Doin 🏴‍☠️ @jollyrobber]

Any store can be Walmart if I drink enough beer

[𝓜𝓮𝓱𝓻𝓲💫 @meh_thinks]

Some relationships teach you what love isn’t.

[Lori @Cornjerker78]

“The only person you can depend on is yourself”

Me: *locks myself out*

[Lori @Cornjerker78]

“Where are you going?”

Me: I’m going to go sparkle somebody with my wit

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

Welcome to your fifties, you don’t notice a cut now until you’ve lost a pint of blood.

[Nayele18 @nayele18maybe]

I have a black belt in attracting strangers who like to make small talk

[Nayele18 @nayele18maybe]

If I could just get out of my own way I’d be unstoppable

[ScottW @jswtreeman]

My neighbor came over to tell me they’d be out of town for the next 2 months and I wish all my neighbors were like this.

[SeaShell @DianeP89]

Compassion and humour? Yes, more of that please.

[Josh @iwearaonesie]

friend: What would you do if your son told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

[X🇨🇦 @FFmaxhyde]

I'd never call myself a fucking rebel but if I ever pick up fucking scissors I immediately start fucking running

[ᗯᗴᔕ丅ᗯᗝᖇᒪᗪ @She114r]

Remember who saw the light in you when you were lost in darkness

[Nayele18 @nayele18maybe]

I like to yell, “FUCK YES” when the fast food guy asks if I’d like any condiments, so he knows exactly how serious I am about honey mustard

[Nayele18 @nayele18maybe]

I am only one bad decision away from sitting on cake for money

[Melvin of York @MelvinofYork]

"I'll leave you to your thoughts" omg why would you do that, do you hate me or something

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

Your Tweets are so heartfelt, I’ve designed a special eye roll just for them. (Patent Pending)

[Mac Dickson @MacDicksonShow]

Common sense has become not so common.

[Nayele18 @nayele18maybe]

A snooze button, but for when someone is telling you a boring story

[Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy]

Don’t feel bad funds, I’m insufficient too