It only hurts when I laugh

People say the funniest things - especially on social media. If you don’t have a sense of humour or a LibDem/FBPE I’m sorry in advance for any offence

[Sama Hoole @SamaHoole]

A farmer dies in April 2026.

His son inherits the farm. The farm has been in the family since 1847.

The farm consists of: 300 acres of grazing pasture, a farmhouse built in 1892, a barn, a milking parlour, two tractors of varying ages, a Land Rover that runs about 70% of the time, and a herd of 180 Hereford-cross cattle.

On paper, the farm is worth approximately £3.2 million. This is because land near him has been bought recently by a London hedge fund looking for carbon credits, which has dragged the comparable value of every field within forty miles upward to a number nobody local can justify.

In cash, the farm produces a profit of about £28,000 a year in a good year. In a bad year it loses money. The son also works as a fencing contractor three days a week to keep the operation viable.

The inheritance tax bill on a £3.2 million estate, even at the reduced 20% rate, comes to approximately £140,000 after the increased threshold is applied. The son does not have £140,000. The son has never had £140,000. The son has £4,200 in his current account and an overdraft.

The son sells 60 acres to a developer to pay the tax. The developer puts solar panels on the 60 acres. The remaining herd cannot be sustained on the reduced land. The herd is sold. The barn becomes a holiday let.

A different family eats Brazilian beef this Christmas without knowing why the price went up.

The Treasury collects £140,000.

The land never produces British food again.

[It only hurts when I laugh @BeaumontDean]

@AngelaRayner

[Deb🖤🤍🍒 @dbs100000]

What an absolute prick !! I hope he never has a day of peace for the rest of his life ! https://t.co/DQC0Hntjts

[Concerned Citizen @BGatesIsaPyscho]

🇬🇧 Meanwhile in the UK

This Man was just forcibly removed from spectating a football match at Forest Green Rovers.

His crime?

He snuck in a Bacon Sandwich to eat & when the entire ground is vegan - the Owner of the club is Green Zealot Dale Vince - who gets Rich off the Green Climate Scam ‼️

[Dominic Cummings @Dominic2306]

Hey @Morrisons I will never buy ONE thing from you ever again unless this guy, trying to stop shoplifting, is reinstated.
RETWEET IF YOU AGREE

[Chris Rose @ArchRose90]

This is Sean Egan. He joined Morrisons at the age of 17.

After 29 years of dedication at supermarket chain, he was dismissed for confronting a shoplifter, which led to a scuffle with thief who spat at him.

A shameful decision by @Morrisons.
He should be thanked, not sacked.

[Chris Rose @ArchRose90]

This is Walker Smith.

After dedicating 17 years to Waitrose, he was recently dismissed.

The reason? For attempting to stop a shoplifter nicking Easter eggs.

Yes you read that right. He should be applauded, not sacked.

Shameful @waitrose. Re-employ Walker Smith!

[It only hurts when I laugh @BeaumontDean]

@SartorialThug @flash_fart @Fatbaldbloke1 Nevermind I’ll send a drunken sailor to console you

[Kelvin MacKenzie @kelvmackenzie]

Grateful to Sir Geoffrey Boycott for revealing that the Cricket Regulator has absurdly fined the Deputy Chairman of Yorkshire CC , Phillip Hodson, £1,000 for telling two allegedly offensive and discriminatory gags at a lunch.
The Telegraph says the gags were made at the Scarborough Cricket Club annual lunch.
Frankly I find the fine and Mr Hodgson being fired from his role at YCC ridiculous and wrong.
You make your own mind about the gags; Joke No 1.
“I apologise for looking so tired but this is the third dinner in as many days. On Sunday I was in Halifax, speaking to the local haemorrhoid society where incidentally I received a standing ovation.
“ On Monday I was in Hill as a guest of the Gay Liberation Front and I must say it’s gratifying to see so many friendly and familiar faces tonight.
Joke No.2 ; “ Everybody’s getting their award and they’ve sold three or four bibles, but this chap has sold 305 bibles and I asked how did you sell 305? At that stage he starts to shutter.
“ He explains; ‘Well,well, well I go and knock on the door and the lady comes to the door and I say; ‘ Would, would, would you like to buy a bible or would would you like me to stand here and read it to you.’”
Pretty thin material but the idea of him being fined by the English Cricket Board regulator is simply absurd.
Apparently only two of 200 guests at Scarborough Cricket Club complained to the Regulator but have decided to keep their anonymity.
Appalling you can destroy someone’s reputation but demand you keep your own identity a secret.
But even that cowardice is less important than fine being handed out an a reputation destroyed.
Can you imagine the ECB committee pouring over the jokes before making that decision. What an odd site.
At the minimum Mr Hodson should appeal and hold the ECB up to ridicule. They deserve it.

[HIN News🇬🇧🇺🇸 @HerdImmunity12]

Breaking News🇬🇧🚨: Judge, Mr Justice Picken hands down a minimum sentence minimum of seven years and 162 days at Maidstone Crown Court on Friday, for stabbing Lt Col, Mark Teeton 70 times in front of his wife on the doorstep of their family home near Brompton Barracks.

This pathetic term is only 4 years longer than that of Lucy Connolly for sending a salty tweet, with judgement having no influence on her mental state.

Such a woefully inadequate jail term, clearly sends the message to other foreign terrorists like evil African Esan, that attempted murder of our Armed Forces on British soil - is not a big deal.

Esan will go to Broadmoor hospital, where he can wear his own closes, have special meals, extended visits, cafe, outdoor gardens, fitness centre, gym and other sports activities.

Meanwhile the Teeton family have had their lives destroyed by another imported terrorists hell bent on causing maximum death and destruction to our country, our people, our military and our way of life.

Personally, hanging would be the only justice I can think of for this satanic crime.

Our thoughts and prayers are with brave Lt/Col Mark Teeton, his wife and their entire family.

[It only hurts when I laugh @BeaumontDean]

@SartorialThug I bet you could have him - on the cobbles, no weapons

[Dave @DaveAirCEO]

Dear @AvantiWestCoast

You cancelled the 0721 this morning so my 14 yo son was on the 0821 New St to MK. (Already late for school). Before Coventry your train manager “Parmi” ordered him off the train because he was travelling on a child’s ticket and couldn’t prove that he was a child. I bought him the ticket because he is indeed 14.

He called me, I spoke with the TM who was plain rude. She insisted that we bought another ticket or I send proof. I sent a message of his birth certificate.

Since when does a 14 year old need to carry identification on them? Children do not have a licence, an NI card and certainly can’t travel with their passport.

Shameful behaviour from your member of staff.

[It only hurts when I laugh @BeaumontDean]

@SartorialThug @MarcherReborn Mines gone the same way - spent £35 on a “Christmas Pannatone” to replace Christmas pudding “because nobody likes it “ madness

[It only hurts when I laugh @BeaumontDean]

@BigBearF1 Many sensible replies here and whatever you decide brother, enjoy, remember and hold your head high for all those who have their tomorrow for our today 🫡

[J.K. Rowling @jk_rowling]

I'm seeing quite a bit of comment about this, so I want to make a couple of points.

I'm not owed eternal agreement from any actor who once played a character I created. The idea is as ludicrous as me checking with the boss I had when I was twenty-one for what opinions I should hold these days.

Emma Watson and her co-stars have every right to embrace gender identity ideology. Such beliefs are legally protected, and I wouldn't want to see any of them threatened with loss of work, or violence, or death, because of them.

However, Emma and Dan in particular have both made it clear over the last few years that they think our former professional association gives them a particular right - nay, obligation - to critique me and my views in public. Years after they finished acting in Potter, they continue to assume the role of de facto spokespeople for the world I created.

When you've known people since they were ten years old it's hard to shake a certain protectiveness. Until quite recently, I hadn't managed to throw off the memory of children who needed to be gently coaxed through their dialogue in a big scary film studio. For the past few years, I've repeatedly declined invitations from journalists to comment on Emma specifically, most notably on the Witch Trials of JK Rowling. Ironically, I told the producers that I didn't want her to be hounded as the result of anything I said.

The television presenter in the attached clip highlights Emma's 'all witches' speech, and in truth, that was a turning point for me, but it had a postscript that hurt far more than the speech itself. Emma asked someone to pass on a handwritten note from her to me, which contained the single sentence 'I'm so sorry for what you're going through' (she has my phone number). This was back when the death, rape and torture threats against me were at their peak, at a time when my personal security measures had had to be tightened considerably and I was constantly worried for my family's safety. Emma had just publicly poured more petrol on the flames, yet thought a one line expression of concern from her would reassure me of her fundamental sympathy and kindness.

Like other people who've never experienced adult life uncushioned by wealth and fame, Emma has so little experience of real life she's ignorant of how ignorant she is. She'll never need a homeless shelter. She's never going to be placed on a mixed sex public hospital ward. I'd be astounded if she's been in a high street changing room since childhood. Her 'public bathroom' is single occupancy and comes with a security man standing guard outside the door. Has she had to strip off in a newly mixed-sex changing room at a council-run swimming pool? Is she ever likely to need a state-run rape crisis centre that refuses to guarantee an all-female service? To find herself sharing a prison cell with a male rapist who's identified into the women's prison?

I wasn't a multimillionaire at fourteen. I lived in poverty while writing the book that made Emma famous. I therefore understand from my own life experience what the trashing of women's rights in which Emma has so enthusiastically participated means to women and girls without her privileges.

The greatest irony here is that, had Emma not decided in her most recent interview to declare that she loves and treasures me - a change of tack I suspect she's adopted because she's noticed full-throated condemnation of me is no longer quite as fashionable as it was - I might never have been this honest.

Adults can't expect to cosy up to an activist movement that regularly calls for a friend's assassination, then assert their right to the former friend's love, as though the friend was in fact their mother. Emma is rightly free to disagree with me and indeed to discuss her feelings about me in public - but I have the same right, and I've finally decided to exercise it.

[It only hurts when I laugh @BeaumontDean]

@SartorialThug Saving myself - Attending a wedding in Arnold tomorrow - reception in Beeston, hopefully I survive the military grade drinking, followed by windmilling on the cobbles

[It only hurts when I laugh @BeaumontDean]

@Peasant_1778 @BurnsideWasTosh 🤣🤣🤣👆

[It only hurts when I laugh @BeaumontDean]

@SartorialThug @GarethNotGarth

[It only hurts when I laugh @BeaumontDean]

@SartorialThug Happy Friday 🍻 time to console the ginger bombshell

[Alex James @actualAlexJames]

If raising your own country's flag is seen as an act of rebellion, then maybe your country is under foreign occupation.