Blacked Out Papa John

Katrina ain’t got shit on this storm

[Lauren @buridansridge]

There is a nuanced but deeply disorienting experience that those with childhood wounds know all too intimately. It tends to flare up during deep, genuine romantic connections at the stage where strong emotional tethers are being formed. They feel the immense psyche-shredding dissonance to run, the sensation is almost viscerally violent in nature, an acute internal upheaval. There is an overwhelming desire to be carried away by the wind, yet they must enact the emergency protocol of pointing a gun to their own heads to force themselves to anchor their winged feet with mud and clay. For the more self-aware, they comprehend logically that this sudden shift towards flight is not how they truly feel about the connection itself. Thus, it becomes an eerie inversion of how they would usually apply their intuition and logic, with the latter typically in service of the former. This experience becomes the exception to the rule, one almost poetically too frequent to be considered an exception at all, given the immense internal anguish it causes.

What they are braving is an internal sensation of complete disarray. The more self-aware realise their gut instincts are pulling them to disembody, to detach completely. Relational wrinkles of contention become stickier, grippier, and more easily weaponised internally to justify their escape, amplified by their state of emotional solipsism and bewilderment. It is a frenzied state of cataclysmic, cathartic, agonising engulfment that carries quiet notes of unsettling pleasure due to the level of alertness it induces - they are trying to outrun a shadowed deluge attempting to swallow them whole. Thus, they are fighting what feels like pure gut instinct which, under normal circumstances, they would trust. Yet in this context, they realise that such gut instincts were programmed into them against their will when young. Therefore, in these contexts, a subtle distinction exists between conditioned gut instinct and true intuition. During these moments, it becomes immensely difficult to differentiate between the two.

They almost have to brute-force intercept the militant hijacking carried out by these gut instincts with a competing instinct and its disconcerting interface, one that feels completely counter to everything that feels "right" in that moment due to the tempestuous inflammation of their instinctive system. Imagine feeling as if your natural compass can no longer be trusted due to the sheer anarchical internal obscurity at play, to go from hyper-perceptive to even more overstimulated with conflicting, layered contradictions at every level of mental examination. Yet during these surreal moments, logic is often the one in service of the competing yet true self-honouring instinct.

During these moments, when they mistrust their own perceived reality, everything feels counterintuitive because the excruciating levels of fear distort their sense of truth, shaped by wounds they cannot simply gut out and discard - for such wounds are fibred into their internal metacognitive architecture. They often feel as though they are cursed with an involuntary contamination, a competing virus they cannot fully remove, because it lives in their spinal fluid.

The only way through is to recognise it, acknowledge it, and let your body feel it in full. Do not rush to a conclusion. Honour that your being as a whole requires time to metabolise such experiences. And you will feel your truth in time, unobscured by fear, and you will know when it lands. Over time, you will also become acquainted with the texture of such bewilderment itself, but you must feel to know.

Run towards that which you fear, so that it learns to kneel before your highest good.

[Blacked Out Papa John @BeefWellyRoller]

“How crazy it is - I have all of this inside of me; and to you? It’s just words.”

[Blacked Out Papa John @BeefWellyRoller]

@BarefootStudent This is about to get so fucking ugly

[Blacked Out Papa John @BeefWellyRoller]

@JPJLovesGaming @DarylArnette @espn Dude do you know the median lifespan across recorded human history?

[DR22 Ω 🪬🎭 @DejaRu22]

is anyone else fucking nauseated by this generation’s addiction to pretending they’re victims of lives they themselves chose?

You feel “burnt out” because you have sold your soul, violated your own spiritual integrity so many times, so casually, via innumerable cowardly increments to the point that your insides don’t even flinch anymore, choosing the outwardly easy—inwardly hard, way out. You’ve been knowingly tolerating less than you are capable of because it’s comfortable and mimetic desire has you chasing things you didn’t even want in the first place because someone else convinced you that that’s what would bring lasting fulfilment, knowing from the beginning that it wouldn’t satisfy you, but you ignored your intuition and did it anyway only to find both it and yourself an empty hollow worn out husk at the end of it. YOU KNEW IT WOULD ONLY DRAIN YOU YET YOU CHOSE IT ANYWAY. You’re exhausted from spiritually betraying yourself. Every day you wake up and perform a life you don’t believe in. And your body, your psyche, your soul, are all screaming at you, begging that you notice and do something about it, but instead you keep yourself distracted, busy, and numb, in hopes of preventing a realisation of that caliber from ever possibly taking place.

You feel “completely burnt out” because deep down you know you’re wasting your life while pissing in the face of your potential and you aren’t sure exactly sure why or how you even managed to find yourself here.

You could’ve been something real. Something authentically you. Something that stood with rectitude, integrity, and total and utter alignment with your spirit. Something that could have only ever possibly come through the miracle that is uniquely you. SOMETHING SO UNCOMPROMISINGLY TRUE THAT THE WORLD WOULD’VE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO REARRANGE ITSELF IN RESPONSE.

But no. Instead, you buried it. You hid, and life has punished you with the ache of what you refused to become. And until you decide to collapse the delta between the vision that haunts you and the habits that numb it, and stop running from your own depth…. You will continue to wake up tired, hollow, and haunted.

This post is not aimed at anyone specifically. Least of all the girl I’m quote tweeting.

But if this resonated with you, and the shoe fits… if you were irritated by this, or felt targeted?

Excellent.

Then that’s my good deed for the day, complete.

[Blacked Out Papa John @BeefWellyRoller]

As Stafford Beer once said, “the point of a system is what it does”.

[Blacked Out Papa John @BeefWellyRoller]

So young, loaded gun,
Oblivious to what the trigger does

[DR22 Ω 🪬🎭 @DejaRu22]

Filtering and censoring yourself for optics is fucking gay

[Blacked Out Papa John @BeefWellyRoller]

Conversely, lean too far into collectivism, and you end up with a hive mind of easily oppressed, highly stringent, downright suppressive sheep that never defy convention, try to test authority or innovate, and the sucking of life as a unique individual away from you. No soul.

[Blacked Out Papa John @BeefWellyRoller]

Perhaps the biggest drawback (or benefit) to collectivist ideologies and the schools of thought they spawn is the diffusion of personal responsibility and accountability amongst their adherents. Without fail, it is the fatal flaw that leads to their eventual implosion

[Blacked Out Papa John @BeefWellyRoller]

The way of life will inevitably end up trustless, chaotic, completely ungovernable, and lacking any sort of structure or incentive for cooperation.

[Blacked Out Papa John @BeefWellyRoller]

This means they have to consciously yield to it, doing so wholeheartedly and without hesitation, and approach this paradigm as a personal frame of reference when they make choices or determine how to react/respond to the circumstances around them.