Bennett Alper

Comedy writer & author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages” & @benalp.bsky.social

[Bennett Alper @Bennett_Alper]

Imagine since the beginning of time, late-night talk show hosts walked the earth while commenting on the day’s events. “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages” - available on Amazon https://t.co/EZwflxE9SB

[Bennett Alper @Bennett_Alper]

@myoddsock MASA - Make America Snore Again

[Bennett Alper @Bennett_Alper]

A federal judge has ordered the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts to “immediately” remove Trump’s name from the building – and also cancel an upcoming production of “Fiddler on the Roof of the Trump Tower.”

[Bennett Alper @Bennett_Alper]

Mass. Gov. Maura Healey said, while she’s “disgusted” by Maine senate candidate Graham Platner’s “behavior and antics,” she still supports him over Susan Collins. Collins immediately asked, “You mean all this time I could’ve been sexting people?”

[Bennett Alper @Bennett_Alper]

Admit it, if you received a text from Graham Platner, wouldn’t you be praying he was just asking for money?

[Bennett Alper @Bennett_Alper]

First Trump lie: I'm postponing my decision whether I'll love you in the morning.

[Bennett Alper @Bennett_Alper]

The musical lineup for Trump’s “Freedom 250” concert series keeps shrinking with two-thirds of the musical acts dropping out. Even the has-beens are now saying “never will.”

[Bennett Alper @Bennett_Alper]

The entire 13-member Springfield, MA City Council held an in-person meeting for the first time since the pandemic. Number one on the agenda? Whether to end remote attendance. Said one skeptical member: “I’ve come to realize I do my best thinking in the nude.”

[Bennett Alper @Bennett_Alper]

Trump said Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche “is doing a great job. Because he kept me out of jail for years.” So did Al Capone’s lawyer, “Easy Eddie” O’Hare,

[Bennett Alper @Bennett_Alper]

This is not to imply there wasn't more to her.
https://t.co/NN9gSdBdRw

[Bennett Alper @Bennett_Alper]

The price of gas in Massachusetts has exceeded $4 a gallon – which probably explains why the most popular rental vehicle in this state is now the Toyota Rickshaw.

[Bennett Alper @Bennett_Alper]

I prefer "It takes a village" over "I'm going to buy a village and name it after me."

[Bennett Alper @Bennett_Alper]

A life vest recovered from Titanic is on display at the Maine Mall in South Portland. Eventually, it will be tossed to the J.C. Penny store when it goes down for the final time.

[Bennett Alper @Bennett_Alper]

Look, it's Trump's approval rating!

[Bennett Alper @Bennett_Alper]

A car crashed into a dental office in Davis Square, Somerville, Massachusetts. The driver crawled out of the wreckage, took a seat, was handed a magazine, and told the rescue squad would see him shortly.

[Bennett Alper @Bennett_Alper]

I’ve always wondered what it’s like to be an extrovert. #introverts
https://t.co/KAiU6gjhD6

[Bennett Alper @Bennett_Alper]

Astronomers have discovered a “cosmic interstellar tunnel” linking our solar system to other stars. And the best part: It works with E-ZPass transponders.

[Bennett Alper @Bennett_Alper]

A Mass man won the State Lottery grand prize after playing the same numbers for 10 years that were stuck in his head. He said he plans to celebrate by trying to remember his wife’s birthday.

[Bennett Alper @Bennett_Alper]

Blessed be the stupid.
https://t.co/gfnnVbd845

[Bennett Alper @Bennett_Alper]

With apologies to George and Ira
https://t.co/ejrDuXIkfN

[Bennett Alper @Bennett_Alper]

This should lock up his Nobel Peace prize.
https://t.co/XbueHJpotg