Extra Small Shorts

Short stories. Comical, phantasmagorical, obscene - all the adjectives you need for a healthy and balanced newsfeed.

Written by Richard van der Merwe.

[Extra Small Shorts @BestHandleEver2]

Saw you and your new love in the park today; quickly disguised myself as a tree. It worked. I bled as you etched your love hearts into me.

[Extra Small Shorts @BestHandleEver2]

@HansMokeNiemann You are a legend, Hans. Magnus, Hikaru, https://t.co/lT255ZdlA4, and all their blind followers should be ashamed of their petty and baseless accusations. Continue to stand strong. Prove them all wrong.

[Extra Small Shorts @BestHandleEver2]

He never thought he would miss the way she hated him; he took that for granted. She used to crush his feelings like they were lemons but she hated lemonade. That became all he could remember. Her hate was beautiful in retrospect when her love was a forgotten memory.

[Extra Small Shorts @BestHandleEver2]

He saw her swimming in a sea of faces and his thumb reached out. They connected. She made laughing emojis at his jokes and they spoke about their dreams, about love and pineapple on pizza. That's where their love story ended. He superliked her. She only kind of liked him.

[Extra Small Shorts @BestHandleEver2]

A bright orange sunrise oozes over the horizon like a sunny side egg sizzling in the sky. Cities of Earth shuffle reluctantly to life but turn their dumb-struck gazes toward the darkened sky as Jörmungandr, Eater of Worlds, sprinkles meteors of salt onto our tasty-looking planet.

[Extra Small Shorts @BestHandleEver2]

"You can't stay in bed like this, David. Your room reeks of depression." "I'm not depressed. It's called limbo." "Same thing." "No, depression implies pain. I'm waiting for pain or joy to wake me." "I see. So will it be a punch in the dick or an ice cream?" "I'll take ice cream."

[Extra Small Shorts @BestHandleEver2]

After our neighbour's dog ran away his owners found me sleeping in his kennel and using their WiFi. I barked and they decided to keep me.

[Extra Small Shorts @BestHandleEver2]

@bartvangoethem I have wandered long and far and though my pants got wet and some are smudged, I return with pockets full of stories!

[Extra Small Shorts @BestHandleEver2]

I held my fingers in a square in front of me and took a mental picture of you smiling. I'm sorry I had to delete it. Your eyes were closed.

[Extra Small Shorts @BestHandleEver2]

I wandered lonely as a liberated helium balloon. Then, one day, I got sucked into a class five hurricane. That hurricane is you.

[Extra Small Shorts @BestHandleEver2]

Saw a girl waiting in the rain and ran to throw my jacket over her head. She, thinking I was trying to kidnap her, punched me and ran away.

[Extra Small Shorts @BestHandleEver2]

The sky poured rain like a cheap bottle of wine. The trees drank luxuriously. Flowers danced drunkenly. Earthworms drowned by the thousands.

[Extra Small Shorts @BestHandleEver2]

"Stir too deeply into the bisque," the sous chef cautioned gravely," "And the bisque-" "Will stir into you?" "Uhm, no. But you could spill!"

[Terry Pratchett @terryandrob]

AT LAST, SIR TERRY, WE MUST WALK TOGETHER.

[Extra Small Shorts @BestHandleEver2]

"Forgive me, flowers. Today my heavy heart denies you the sun." "Then kiss us with your sadness, O cloud. Let your tears become our growth."

[Extra Small Shorts @BestHandleEver2]

The morning sun steps to its post; birds sound the bugle and a city sprawls to life. Come night, the moon takes watch. Silence reigns again.

[Extra Small Shorts @BestHandleEver2]

"The great outdoors! Quiet and yet so teeming with life! Old and yet so fresh with air, so-" "And?" "I think a bug just flew into my mouth."

[Extra Small Shorts @BestHandleEver2]

"Not all that is gold does glitter; buried treasures oft lay in mud. But that which lies in the shitter, Sam, doubt not, for it is crud."

[Extra Small Shorts @BestHandleEver2]

O little worm, you poorest thing, snatched by those evil birds. Worry not, O worm, for I've immortalised you! See, here you are in my words.

[Extra Small Shorts @BestHandleEver2]

"But dad, it's made of cardboard." "For now, son! But wait until our future selves arrive. They'll show us how to make a real time machine!"

[Extra Small Shorts @BestHandleEver2]

# Breaking news: Xsshorts writer has run into @casperrasper in a grocery store. Eyewitnesses confirm casual "chit-chat" possibly occurred. #