Al Smith

He not a busy being born is a busy dying.

[Al Smith @BigAl525]

@MrMichaelWylie I figured. Still, it’s nice to imagine a mobile aquarium that drives around neighborhoods, selling fish to kids.

[Al Smith @BigAl525]

@MrMichaelWylie We talkin’ as pets or as dinner?

[Al Smith @BigAl525]

Pro tip: do not sing “Meet Me in the Middle” by @Zedd as you walk around a corner. Inevitably, you will shout “Oh baby!” into the face of your 45 year old female coworker.

[Sarkis @sarkissmith]

Made my parents buy me a shovel

[Al Smith @BigAl525]

@christiankoo You’re a terrible listener.

[Al Smith @BigAl525]

Me at 14: I will never sell out. Corporate stooges are complete hacks.

Me at 24, interviewing somewhere that offers a 401k:

[Al Smith @BigAl525]

@ABC A little phone-y?

[The True Blue @inwiththeblue]

Headlining The Loving Touch on 3.30.19.

Hope to see you. 💙

[Al Smith @BigAl525]

“My body is not a wonderland.” - @ngaynor12 at 3am

[Al Smith @BigAl525]

I can’t wait to be an old man so I can sign my name at the end of all my Facebook comments.

[Al Smith @BigAl525]

Sometimes when I misspell “haha,” my phone autocorrects it to “HAHAHAHAHA” and people probably think I’m unstable.

[Shenanigans @Shenanigans_luv]

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

[Sarkis @sarkissmith]

Thanks Mike from @wearestereofox for the feature

https://t.co/6k3XsZUGWq

[Al Smith @BigAl525]

Wall-E was too optimistic about our future.

[Election Acknowledger @dorseyshaw]

someone nuke us plz

[Al Smith @BigAl525]

They could learn a thing or two from Michael Scott. He once went 28 years without having sex.

[UberFacts @UberFacts]

Ferrets can die if they don't have enough sex.

[Al Smith @BigAl525]

*Curb Your Enthusiasm theme plays*

[Democrats @TheDemocrats]

Romney, who calls Russia our "No. 1 geopolitical foe," doesn't seem to realize it's the 21st century. #RomneyNotReady http://t.co/xcvhOAFS

[Al Smith @BigAl525]

For the last ten years, I’ve been chasing the high of getting my braces off. Nothing has even come close.

[Al Smith @BigAl525]

“Grosse Pointe has fucked up Diet Coke.” - @christiankoo

[Al Smith @BigAl525]

There’s trouble afoot.

[Newsweek @Newsweek]

Fake nude photo of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez debunked by foot fetishist https://t.co/UZzvhZImtM