BigDealMcNeil

[BigDealMcNeil @BigDealMcNeil]

It rained beer today and everybody got fucked up

The beer was still in the bottles

Be more specific with your wishes you guys

[BigDealMcNeil @BigDealMcNeil]

I’d like to publicly apologize to my wife. I will personally apologize to her after she calms down (it’s that time of the month) #regretfull #besthusband #iforgiveyoubaby #pleaseansweryourphone #itsnotyouitsthehormones

[BigDealMcNeil @BigDealMcNeil]

A strong marriage requires that both people pull their weight and contribute and not leave dirty dishes in the sink for second consecutive night. #onesided #guessimcleaningtonight #metoo #alphawolf

[BigDealMcNeil @BigDealMcNeil]

McDonald's, please clarify, does your criminal mascot steal ham or was the Hamburgerburglar already taken?

[BigDealMcNeil @BigDealMcNeil]

New Star Wars trilogy leaked today. Rumored to feature Chewbacca in an intergalactic baseball league. Awaiting release date for first installment "Wookiee of the Year"

[BigDealMcNeil @BigDealMcNeil]

Ain’t no rules when you’re hitting Juuls

[BigDealMcNeil @BigDealMcNeil]

“This next performer needs no introduction”

*walks off stage*

[BigDealMcNeil @BigDealMcNeil]

“I have a great sense of humor”

- people with no sense of humor

[BigDealMcNeil @BigDealMcNeil]

Tonight on NPR we’ll hear from Lucy Rivera, a transgendered Honduran immigrant reptile whose poetry has inspired a movement against discriminatory climate change

[BigDealMcNeil @BigDealMcNeil]

Everyone remember to change the clocks on your iPhone tonight

[BigDealMcNeil @BigDealMcNeil]

His coin-belt loaded with silver and quads laced-up tight, a defeated Brian Boitano skates out the door with a tray full of shakes

[BigDealMcNeil @BigDealMcNeil]

Sadly, I've reached the age where I'm just dumb and full of cum

[BigDealMcNeil @BigDealMcNeil]

We have an early tea time tomorrow. Don't oversteep.

[BigDealMcNeil @BigDealMcNeil]

"I'll drink to that"

- me after anyone says anything

[BigDealMcNeil @BigDealMcNeil]

@CelestialTea There are no instructions for your sleepy time tea. Snorting 2 bags is not working. Is there an easier way to open the bags?

[BigDealMcNeil @BigDealMcNeil]

No sir, we don't have any organic cucumber water. We pretty much only sell donuts and Cheerios here at Hole Foods.

[BigDealMcNeil @BigDealMcNeil]

This is where we separate the men from the boys, said Glenda's divorce attorney as he walked into the custody hearing

[BigDealMcNeil @BigDealMcNeil]

2 handles of whiskey, a dozen blunts, and 600 miles of narrow, mountain road. Time to start this 24-hour @Buick test drive

[BigDealMcNeil @BigDealMcNeil]

I'm not sure that this relationship will work. I've never been with someone I didn't meet on the Internet

[BigDealMcNeil @BigDealMcNeil]

Hakuna Matata, the yolo of yesteryear

[BigDealMcNeil @BigDealMcNeil]

It's raining men

Which is nothing to rejoice over

No man can survive a fall of that magnitude