bitofmymustard

Bit cannot speak, he has no mouth, so he scours the web sharing one liners from a variety of geniuses. Or genii if you will.

[bitofmymustard @BitofMyMustard]

Where does Santa go when he's sick?
To the elf centre!

[bitofmymustard @BitofMyMustard]

What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?

Snowballs.

[bitofmymustard @BitofMyMustard]

Chris Eubank has just written a book about Ethics.

If it’s a success his next one will be about Kent.

[bitofmymustard @BitofMyMustard]

I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.

[bitofmymustard @BitofMyMustard]

Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.

[bitofmymustard @BitofMyMustard]

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

[bitofmymustard @BitofMyMustard]

I childproofed the house… but they still get in!

[bitofmymustard @BitofMyMustard]

I was in a band which we called The Prevention. Because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.

[bitofmymustard @BitofMyMustard]

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

[bitofmymustard @BitofMyMustard]

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

[bitofmymustard @BitofMyMustard]

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

[bitofmymustard @BitofMyMustard]

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage crisis?

[bitofmymustard @BitofMyMustard]

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

[bitofmymustard @BitofMyMustard]

We are all born naked, wet, hungry and get slapped on the arse. Then things just get worse.

[bitofmymustard @BitofMyMustard]

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy was he?

[bitofmymustard @BitofMyMustard]

It is always darkest before the dawn; if you are going to steal your neighbours gnomes, that's the time to do it.

[bitofmymustard @BitofMyMustard]

Lawyers are never really happy with a friendly divorce, anymore than a mortician wants to finish his job & then have the patient sit up.

[bitofmymustard @BitofMyMustard]

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die; I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

[bitofmymustard @BitofMyMustard]

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

[bitofmymustard @BitofMyMustard]

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.