BonaFideIntent

Sometimes, I pretend I'm an Olympic swimmer & swim in a tub of Goldfish crackers wearing arm floaties. Sometimes, I'm not on drugs.

[BonaFideIntent @BonaFideIntent]

Dear Homophobic Vending Machine:

I'm sorry my dollar bill wasn't straight enough for you. Go fuck yourself.

Sincerely,
Skittle-less

[BonaFideIntent @BonaFideIntent]

Help a girl out & cast a FREE VOTE every 24hrs?! 💙😘

https://t.co/14LwgrF3rD

#inked #tattoo #inkedgirls

[BonaFideIntent @BonaFideIntent]

@US_CARA Tonight on *Fallon, love 😘 @FallonTonight

[BonaFideIntent @BonaFideIntent]

@NBCTheVoice #VoiceSaveRod

[BonaFideIntent @BonaFideIntent]

I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

[BonaFideIntent @BonaFideIntent]

12 Vicodin MAY be my limit. I've been in bed for 3 hours, polishing a tomato with a dryer sheet I found hidden in the leg of my sweatpants.

[BonaFideIntent @BonaFideIntent]

Watched Top Chef. Got motivated. Made dinosaur chicken nuggets in the microwave. Eating them in the order they died in the food chain.

[BonaFideIntent @BonaFideIntent]

If you think I'm tweeting this in the nude, you're wrong. I'm wearing a sombrero & a candy necklace.

[BonaFideIntent @BonaFideIntent]

Home alone. Drunk. In a penguin costume. Wish you were here.

[BonaFideIntent @BonaFideIntent]

Life is better after having sex. Or when you know you're about to have sex. Or when you know someone wants to have sex w you.

Probably.

[BonaFideIntent @BonaFideIntent]

Bitch, this is an elevator ride not a tea party. Stand in your corner & stop talking to me.

[BonaFideIntent @BonaFideIntent]

Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you're crossing a border. Then don't do that.

[BonaFideIntent @BonaFideIntent]

Time is precious. That which is dearest to you can be ripped away unexpectedly. Savor every moment!

RIP
My Box of Stolen Animal Crackers

[BonaFideIntent @BonaFideIntent]

It's a tweet people, not your diary. Let's stay focused here.

Unrelated: I am eating a sandwich. It has cheese on it.

[BonaFideIntent @BonaFideIntent]

Mowing the lawn. Idk who's lawn I'm mowing. Or how I escaped Home Depot on a stolen mower. I've collected 27 garden gnomes & a plastic duck.

[BonaFideIntent @BonaFideIntent]

I've drank about $256.43 in liquor. I'm making grilled cheese. Without cheese. Or bread. I'm frying butter in a pan. This is a cry for help.

[BonaFideIntent @BonaFideIntent]

If I had a dollar for every time someone said they wanted to have sex with me, I'd have $0.13

[BonaFideIntent @BonaFideIntent]

My Aunt: The BEST murder weapon is an icicle. No evidence or DNA. Trust me on this.

Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT YOUR TWITTER HANDLE TO BE?!?

[BonaFideIntent @BonaFideIntent]

I was mid-masturbation & thought of a good tweet. I stopped masturbating to tweet it.

This is the tweet.

[BonaFideIntent @BonaFideIntent]

I took a brief intermission..

Was the emotional trauma of losing a gummy bear in your vagina while masturbating drunk discussed yet? ..No?

[BonaFideIntent @BonaFideIntent]

Some guy rides on a boat & gets a DAY named after him. I rode on a boat & all I got was drunk, nauseous, & public nudity charges. The fuck..