Judge A Book

Featured by 'The Poke':

[Judge A Book @BookJudger]

@thackeray_p @PaulWilliamsLAB You're entitled to your opinion and you will be diligently cared for with compassion whenever you need the support of the NHS.

[Judge A Book @BookJudger]

@eleanorkpenny I find myself altering the words of Prince Charming by Adam & the Ants to ‘Keir Starmer, Keir Starmer, ridicule is nothing to be scared of’. He should use it - I can see the PLP chanting ‘don’t you ever, don’t you ever, stop being dandy showing me you’re handsome’ in the commons

[Judge A Book @BookJudger]

Try to sexualise this relationship between us if you like, book. But, I have to warn you, it's possible that at some point I may read you while taking a dump. In that context, this ’We shouldn’t, should we?’ hesitancy will seem less coquettish and more a desperate plea for mercy.

[Judge A Book @BookJudger]

This gentleman doesn’t look like he agrees with the title’s representation of his sexual history.

[Judge A Book @BookJudger]

Hard-bitten Detective Killian Murder is prepared for retirement. From the title, you may imagine grisly developments change his mind, but actually he meets Ambrose Never and Julian Retires - together, they form a folk group and tour CAMRA pubs around the Suffolk waterways.

[Judge A Book @BookJudger]

I'm not suggesting this to be flippant, but there is no way the title and cover of this book indicate this could be anything but an astonishingly poignant depiction of the travails of a young woman who suffers from chronic flatulence. Imagine ‘Me Before You’, but with IBS.

[Judge A Book @BookJudger]

@dysonjeremy @Markgatiss @ReeceShearsmith I found the experience captured the gritty absurdity that runs through your work wonderfully; however, from the sound of the raucous laughter bleeding through the walls of the bleak chamber of sick we were stuck in, we probably missed out

[Judge A Book @BookJudger]

@dysonjeremy @Markgatiss @ReeceShearsmith After a delightful first half, I spent the entire second portion of your show at the Manchester Apollo in the first aid room with my wife @rebbyface who was dousing the floor in a slew of vomit due to the sudden onset of gastroenteritis

[Judge A Book @BookJudger]

As Lisa posed, she thought about the jar of lemons she’d bizarrely brought along to the photoshoot. She imagined them crying out in anguish as they watched her flaunt the coat she’d fashioned from the skin of their eviscerated brethren. Finally, she could smile.

[Judge A Book @BookJudger]

“Are you sure I look like I’m jumping in this photo, rather than propelling myself upward using only the momentum of my own farts?”

[Judge A Book @BookJudger]

@posi_mind You're welcome, sugar tits.

[Judge A Book @BookJudger]

@posi_mind I don't mean to be rude, but I literally have no interest in anything you have to say. So forgive me for not responding constructively to your drivel, poppet.

[Judge A Book @BookJudger]

@ChrisGatesFace Must do, Chris. Nothing gets the ladies going quite like the sight of a skeleton. That's why I'm currently writing 'An Introduction to X-Ray Game: How to Seduce Women Through Radiography'.

[Judge A Book @BookJudger]

@Hendrew @seanieflanagan @Nigel_Mutt Apologies for the infestation of gobshites, Sean. This almost rivals the intensity of intimidation I got from Mary Berry and her acolytes when I took the piss out of her book. To this day I can't accept a cake from an old lady for fear of what's been smeared in the ganache.

[Judge A Book @BookJudger]

@AndreFlett @mental_nigella_ My Twitter feed's not really for arseholes. So why don't you jog on, dumpling?

[Judge A Book @BookJudger]

@seanieflanagan @Nigel_Mutt Typically, he's the kind of soft lad I would ignore. But he's been bellowing on his feed about a negative review my friend gave him and encouraging his followers to partake in misogynistic abuse. Which is why I felt inclined to stir the nest of bell-ends.

[Judge A Book @BookJudger]

@Nigel_Mutt As far as I can tell from his feed, he appears to be a large pair of testicles someone has drawn eyes onto and placed a hat upon. Then, a bit like the snowman in Raymond Briggs' 'The Snowman', he has magically come alive to heave about trying to peddle his unwanted spunky wares.

[Judge A Book @BookJudger]

You have to question whether a horse gave this advice to Anna, or if the stable boy she’s now having an affair with is also a ventriloquist.

[Judge A Book @BookJudger]

@hapspop Ha! Gay ghosts: something to truly terrify homophobes.