Tea on the Border(line)🐙/🐈

Tea drinking Borderline geek, cat lover& motorbikes. Always behind the times. Non-binary (they/them) Has EUPD/BPD

[Tea on the Border(line)🐙/🐈 @Borderlineunic1]

I hide behind mild anonymity not so my actions have no consequence but because here I can pretend I actually exist.

[Tea on the Border(line)🐙/🐈 @Borderlineunic1]

@MHA0582 Hugs. I'm ok thank you 🥰

[Tea on the Border(line)🐙/🐈 @Borderlineunic1]

This tat is a big thing.
The tat itself, yes, obviously, it's my first but
The extent to which I have to make myself vulnerable in order to have it. He'll be the first person to see my arm, other than a nurse, for a very long time.
It's massive. I just hope I can be brave.

[Tea on the Border(line)🐙/🐈 @Borderlineunic1]

@chaceyoung26 Really? Oh, ok thank you. 😁

[Tea on the Border(line)🐙/🐈 @Borderlineunic1]

As the day approaches I realise it's not getting the tattoo I am anxious about. It's the tattoist. Everyone has an opinion, a lot of people judge. What will he be thinking of my design and therefore of me? How will he judge me for my scars?

[Tea on the Border(line)🐙/🐈 @Borderlineunic1]

@bpdwat Simple explanation: Japanese characters for "to endure" with black flame/waterdrop above.
Many reasons, all of which have kept me here over the last few years; song lyrics, anime, learning Japanese and many tears.
It maybe tacky to others but it's important to me

[Tea on the Border(line)🐙/🐈 @Borderlineunic1]

I'm 9 and a half months free of sh.

On Wednesday I get my first tattoo.

[Tea on the Border(line)🐙/🐈 @Borderlineunic1]

@KaylaBySkyline Thank you so much x

[Tea on the Border(line)🐙/🐈 @Borderlineunic1]

@joetracini I hope you are ok, you've not been around.
You're book is wonderful (and sad and all the emotions at a thousand times what normal people feel) thank you.

[Tea on the Border(line)🐙/🐈 @Borderlineunic1]

I don't go hot and cold on things
I go fearful and brave on things.

It's a big difference.

[Tea on the Border(line)🐙/🐈 @Borderlineunic1]

I don't think I dwell on the negative experiences. I think I dwell on consequences of those experiences.
Positive experiences seem to have less consequences (good/bad) than negative ones.
But I suspect I'm just a miserable negative person that should try harder to be +ve

[Tea on the Border(line)🐙/🐈 @Borderlineunic1]

@diaryofabpdkid Hugs x

[Tea on the Border(line)🐙/🐈 @Borderlineunic1]

I honestly don't know who I'm meant to talk to.
I don't want to burden or upset or trigger anyone, yet that's what I seem to do when I open my mouth.
I don't really understand why. I've been told I need to think harder about my actions and they affect others. I wish I understood

[Tea on the Border(line)🐙/🐈 @Borderlineunic1]

I'm tired.
I know I have a reason to be, but still.
Tired of the way my brain works. Tired of not being able to hold on to, in a meanful way, something that I know gave me peace and enjoyment, after it has finished.
I can't live off memories because I don't really have them.

[Tea on the Border(line)🐙/🐈 @Borderlineunic1]

I came back from a three day trip, on my motorbike visiting friends, this lunchtime.
I know this because I have photos on my phone and people ask me "how was your trip"
I couldn't tell you without serious thought when I went. Pretty sure it was months ago.
Is this a #bpd thing?

[Tea on the Border(line)🐙/🐈 @Borderlineunic1]

A professional actually said "I'm really pleased you are in a better place than you were when you were referred. That's really good. How can I help keep you better"
Rather than making me feel I was wasting their time or making things up.

[Tea on the Border(line)🐙/🐈 @Borderlineunic1]

Either
"I'm fine"
Or
I'm open with you and it's word vomit.

I'm sorry. I know it's toxic but I can't find the middle ground.

[Tea on the Border(line)🐙/🐈 @Borderlineunic1]

Apparently, talking blatantly to someone who said I could talk blatantly to them but then they don't like it (which is fine, people can change their minds) is "a symptom of my illness that I need to be aware of" I am aware I thought you were a safe person to say this to I'm sorry

[Tea on the Border(line)🐙/🐈 @Borderlineunic1]

Round the block I go.
Back to the place that really didn't help, but maybe it will this time and it's the only help we're offering so take it or we'll assume you don't want to be helped.
Friends say I'm too much after telling me to talk to them.
Everything has consequences.

[Tea on the Border(line)🐙/🐈 @Borderlineunic1]

I know I should reach out but I don't want to talk.
Words are meaningless. They don't make a mark on the surface of my pain.
I'd like to be with someone who sit with me in silence until the worst of the thoughts passed.
But that person doesn't exist. Not in my life anyway.