turd burglar

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[turd burglar @Born2Bung]

Girls that are my type:
-cooks
-bleached hair
-sunglasses
-likes flames
-gives me 2 tix to flavortown for my birthday
-is Guy Fieri

[turd burglar @Born2Bung]

Real shitters drop their pants down to the ankles, even at public toilets.

[turd burglar @Born2Bung]

12,082th day of unrelenting diarrhea.
I think I see a pattern emerging. . .

[turd burglar @Born2Bung]

Saw a goth girl blasting a cig on the sidewalk. Nature is healing.

[turd burglar @Born2Bung]

Tryna' get a write-up for threatening to kill myself too much. Wish me luck

[turd burglar @Born2Bung]

My wife be shittin!

[turd burglar @Born2Bung]

Is business appropriate when people ask how I'm doing and I respond "every day I stray further from god's light"

[turd burglar @Born2Bung]

If I have to help another boomer open an email, I'm gonna blow my fucking brains out

[turd burglar @Born2Bung]

Just overheard a dude mansplaining dietary fiber to his GF. Entering your 30s hits white guys hard.

[turd burglar @Born2Bung]

The nation of Margaritaville flies their flag at half mast and their Tommy Bahamas half unbuttoned in observance of Jimmy Buffet's death.

[turd burglar @Born2Bung]

@tarkov Fixed

[turd burglar @Born2Bung]

A lot of you may know about sicko mode. How many of you know about silly mode?

[turd burglar @Born2Bung]

@waveturtlejake You can't cancel lunch. You can't do that

[turd burglar @Born2Bung]

Cops aren't used to fighting people who want to fight back.

[gingerbeard man @NikosRaves]

fdny vs nypd hockey ACAB lmfao

[turd burglar @Born2Bung]

Glizzy Gang

[turd burglar @Born2Bung]

I'm supposed to be figuring out my future but I'm just watching Bobby Shmurda music videos

[turd burglar @Born2Bung]

Shout-out to my mom for not letting me buy My Chem's Three Cheers in middle school because it had a parental advisory, so I bought deathcore albums w/o them instead, that were about disemboweling women.

[turd burglar @Born2Bung]

If you're ever curious as to what marriage is like; just know that I have to ask my wife what the word for 'Laundry Sauce' is every two weeks.

[turd burglar @Born2Bung]

@VoidOfRoses Me in RDR2 saying hello to every person in Valentine.

[turd burglar @Born2Bung]

Judas:
"Of course he looks absolutely shredded! Crucifixion removes 20lbs, everyone knows that . . . ."

[turd burglar @Born2Bung]

I've lived on earth for over 30 years and no one has asked me to make a signature blade in my signature style.