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Animal Plastic Surgeon

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If I ever had a kid I would name them after one of the constellations. Little Dipper Brown

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I hate sharing the grocery store with other people why can’t they just wait outside until i’m done

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They call me Dadimir Putin

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I ain’t goin to no dance unless I can touch some tit

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Fee-on McCool

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you should be able to stay home from work just because you're a little 🥱

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“Please don’t ruin this song for me”

Me thinking about a girl I am currently talking to while simultaneously listening to an absolute banger I will associate with her every time i hear it and will inevitably end up hating every time i hear it once we’re dunzo

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I’m tryin to remember

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I fought and I lost but I still won

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How do you lower the difficulty settings on tinder

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love typing out long ass oversharing personal posts than immediately deleting them. get back in my brain boy

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your honor, tbh, ngl, idgaf

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your honor, in my defense, you wouldnt get it

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your honor can you please just leave my client alone

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i love how delusional some articles of clothing are, like you read the tag and its like “hand wash only/tumble dry on low” son you are a cotton tshirt. youre going in the warsh and whatever happens in there is in gods hands baby

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Me, not talking: Ah fuck, I am being weird

Me, talking: Ah fuck, I am being weird

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After much research, consideration, and experimentation, I have decided that adulthood is not for me. Thank you for the opportunity. I’m all set

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@JacksonJams way to go Jackadoo

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sometimes i drink coffee in the hopes it will make me more productive but it just makes me more unproductive faster

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me: hello there brain, can we please have a good day today?

brain: hey listen buddy go fuck yourself alright

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Guyssss, don’t forget to vibe with the homies baby, come on!

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Me: send pics ; )

Girl: what do you wanna see

Me: Spider-Man

Her: what?

Me: