Brett Schmidt

I deliver pizzas...and jokes.

[Brett Schmidt @BrettIsFunny]

Alright @trulyseltzer, you FINALLY put together a variety pack where NOT ONE of the flavors suck…let’s try and keep it on the shelves this time!🤞😍🤞

#BrunchPack for BREAKFAST, LUNCH & DINNER!🤣

[Barack Obama @BarackObama]

Happy birthday to my friend @KamalaHarris! She has spent her life fighting on behalf of people who need a voice and a chance—now it’s our turn to help elect her as our next president. Make sure you're ready to vote at https://t.co/NKXRGNgbZX.

[Brett Schmidt @BrettIsFunny]

Hey @abc @ABCNetwork PLEEEEEEEAAAASE fix the echoey audio on the @NFL_MNF game!!! TIA!!

[Brett Schmidt @BrettIsFunny]

SOMEBODY GIVE THIS GUY THE LIGHT ALREADY!!!

#TheBachelorette #TheBacheloretteABC

[Brett Schmidt @BrettIsFunny]

@loserfromks Well now THAT is a great idea! Only problem is there is typically a private party going on in that room most Saturdays before comedy:/

[Brett Schmidt @BrettIsFunny]

@loserfromks Haha, I TOTALLY understand BUT, I’ve unfortunately conditioned the comics & crowd over the past 11.5 years (starting later & later,EVERY YEAR) & have thus DUG THIS DITCH that we’re in!🤣
Still, the BEST MIC IN THE LAND, so, take a nap at 4:00, hire your BEST sitter, and come out!

[Brett Schmidt @BrettIsFunny]

The Foley Artists are having a BLAST with this #TheBachelorette intro!

#thebachelor

[Brett Schmidt @BrettIsFunny]

(Fingernails pictures are not actual fingernails of staff…but close.)

[Brett Schmidt @BrettIsFunny]

Hey @Walmart Lawrence, Kansas!

If you’re gonna inconvenience all your customers by stopping them at the exit to check their receipts, maybe have your staff wash their hands and CUT THEIR DISGUSTING CRACK-HEAD FINGERNAILS BEFORE THEY TOUCH EVERYTHING IN OUR CART!!🤮🥰

[Brett Schmidt @BrettIsFunny]

Hey @Walmart Lawrence, Kansas!

If you’re gonna inconvenience all your customers by stopping them at the exit to check their receipts, maybe have your staff wash their hands and CUT THEIR DISGUSTING CRACK-HEAD FINGERNAILS BEFORE THEY TOUCH EVERYTHING IN OUR CART!!🤮🥰

[Brett Schmidt @BrettIsFunny]

Dear @WhiteClaw,

Why’d you have to go and mess with my Variety Pack #1 by adding PINEAPPLE?!?🤢

It was difficult enough getting over the discontinuation of the Ice Tea flavors!

Are you TRYING to get people to sober up?!?🤣😫

[Brett Schmidt @BrettIsFunny]

Give the pair that got lost for a day and then got their car WEDGED at the dead end road THEIR OWN REALITY SHOW! That sh!t is HILARIOUS!!🤣

#TheAmazingRace

[Brett Schmidt @BrettIsFunny]

@HVRanch Sounds GREAT! Thanks so much for getting back to me so quickly! I’ll message u now

[Brett Schmidt @BrettIsFunny]

Hey @HVRanch!
So we’ve been making your AWESOME ranch dip/dressing from the packet for YEARS, so we bought this larger container about a year ago, made it once and it tasted terrible! Thought we’d try again, but no dice. Bad batch maybe? Any way u could send out a coupon?🤞😬

[Brett Schmidt @BrettIsFunny]

WHOA! How many kids you got already?!?🤣

#MomJeans

#thebachelor #ThebachelorABC

[Brett Schmidt @BrettIsFunny]

This dudes definitely NOT the one writing those date cards with THAT hand writing!

#thebachelor #thebachelorABC

[Brett Schmidt @BrettIsFunny]

It woulda been funnier if he picked Sydney and that lady still sang Ave Maria!🤣

#TheBachelor #TheBachelorABC @jimmykimmel

[Brett Schmidt @BrettIsFunny]

“I was just speaking MY truth”…

That’s RIGHT, CRAZY! YOUR “TRUTH”!

Not THE TRUTH!🤣

ROLL THE FOOTAGE!

#TheBachelor #TheBachelorABC

[Brett Schmidt @BrettIsFunny]

a HUGE SHOUTOUT to ALL the STAFF @CrackerBarrel in Kennesaw, Georgia!!!

Not only was the service and food AMAZING, but they allowed us to detach our Retro Trailer for a few hours so we could VISIT THE PANDAS at the Atlanta Zoo! (RV’s weren’t permitted in the zoo parking lot)

[Brett Schmidt @BrettIsFunny]

I’m serious when I say the food came out FASTER THAN ANY RESTAURANT I’ve ever eaten at! Solid quality too!

Props to the Back of House, Front of House, our Server (so sorry I forgot her name), and Terri at checkout!

See you all next road trip!!