Buddy Code

I am a black lab pup that my owner Matt saved from an Amish hell. He's so nice, even when he dresses like a woman. Oops, gotta go- I just pooped in the house.

[Buddy Code @BuddyCode]

Matt can’t get Boners

[Buddy Code @BuddyCode]

@Jim_Jordan You Are worse than Satan.

[Buddy Code @BuddyCode]

If I had a dollar for every time I saw my owner get laid… I’d have the same amount of money I have right now. #50YearOldVirgin #CodeRedRocket

[Buddy Code @BuddyCode]

I just fucked the neighbor in front of his best friend. And the best friend was the dog. #BuddyCodeDontGiveAfuck

[Buddy Code @BuddyCode]

I just puked up my owners seed. Oh wait, no I didn’t. He shoots blanks.

[Buddy Code @BuddyCode]

It’s my owner’s birthday so I feel compelled to tweet, despite my lack of opposable thumbs. Happy bday, Matt, you cranky old fuck! I think today I won’t even vomit on your shoes. Tomorrow though? Gonna jam my paw down my throat and spew all over your clean laundry just for fun.

[Buddy Code @BuddyCode]

The biggest loser this Christmas is my owner Matt. No, he didn’t get any coal in his stocking... but he did get a bloody canine dump under the tree. That’ll teach you to pass out drunk before taking me for a walk, you absolute prick. #SorryNotSorry #CodeBrown #MerryDumpmas

[Buddy Code @BuddyCode]

Question for a friend- can you get doggy gonorrhea from an irresponsibly careless owner?

[Buddy Code @BuddyCode]

My owner sucks.

[Buddy Code @BuddyCode]

Matt Code beats his meat to pictures of me as a puppy. #Problematic

[Buddy Code @BuddyCode]

Sitting on the floor, looking up at my pathetic owner in nothing but tighty whities, weeping loudly while he strums a worthless acoustic guitar. I know I’m supposed to be man’s best friend, but Matt Code- ladies and gents- is NO man. Fuck this. #FogOfWar #BlackLabProblems

[Buddy Code @BuddyCode]

Matt Code hasn’t walked me in months. Partly because he’s busy being a dad. Partly because he’s so old he can barely get around anymore. Either way, this entire house smells like my anus. #ShitHappens #DustCum #Rochester #BlackLab

[Buddy Code @BuddyCode]

My owners blanks shoot blanker than my own, and I don’t have any testicles. #SansSperm

[Buddy Code @BuddyCode]

@thenoahkinsey French Herpes

[Buddy Code @BuddyCode]

@RealPitino Wow, this tweet came faster than I expected.

[Buddy Code @BuddyCode]

Wow, this tweet came quicker than I expected.

[Rick Pitino @RealPitino]

For years I have stayed away from Twitter because there was very little positivity. I will stay completely away from cynicism and destructive words. I hope to bring a spirit of optimism, which is so needed today.

[Buddy Code @BuddyCode]

The only thing uglier than my owner Matt Code’s genitalia is his football team. How would I describe the #Bills in one word? “WOOF!” #AnAlarmingFranchise #FogofFootball

[Buddy Code @BuddyCode]

Living as a dog in the Code family sure is “Ruff”!

Get it? “Ruff”? Cuz I’m a dog?

Seriously though, he abuses me sexually every day. Help.

[Buddy Code @BuddyCode]

My owner got a little older today. Spoiler alert- his ejaculate is still made of dust. #Viagra

[Buddy Code @BuddyCode]

Only fitting that the human pile of trash himself has moved back to the home of the famous #GarbagePlate. Like Pizza the Hut in Space Balls, it seems Matt Code is destined to die of self-consumption. #FogOfMalnutrition