🦖Cantankerous Rex

Trolling life itself since ‘84.

[🦖Cantankerous Rex @ButtsweatNTears]

I’m trying to be the worst possible person because I figure it increases my chances of winning the lottery.

#Powerball

[Canada Hates Trump @AntiTrumpCanada]

COLD. BLOODED. MURDER.
How is MAGA gonna spin this one? Lemme guess: it was self-defence and the ICE agents who fired the shots suffered internal bleeding & are both in hospital. FUCK ICE STRAIGHT TO FUCKING HELL.

[🦖Cantankerous Rex @ButtsweatNTears]

Man, can you imagine if “Penix” had an S instead of an X?

He would be Michael Penis Jr.

#ATLvsMIN #SNF #NFL

[🦖Cantankerous Rex @ButtsweatNTears]

Circle Jerk ‘25 is now under way at #Lambeau Field!

Let’s all pretend the #Packers are some sort of institution or whatever rather than a cult-like attempt to make life in Wisconsin seem respectable.

#DETvsGB #FTP #NFCNorth #NFL

[🦖Cantankerous Rex @ButtsweatNTears]

@CathyWurzer

“We all know Minnesotans are bad drivers.” Right, Cathy. We can’t handle spice, don’t like loud noises, and whatever other tropes you wanna live in.

Thanks for demonstrating why I stopped donating money to @MPRnews. Buncha meek dorks speaking for us doesn’t fly.

[🦖Cantankerous Rex @ButtsweatNTears]

Only in the Upper Midwest could it be 75°F outside and still only 55°F outside.

#WeatherUpdate

[🦖Cantankerous Rex @ButtsweatNTears]

@PowerTripKFAN

YES! You’re absolutely correct to be strict on Reading’s pronunciation. That’s how it’s pronounced, named after the city of Reading in southern England. Pennsylvania was VERY English in its development.

If someone has a crappy education, it’s their own fault.

[🦖Cantankerous Rex @ButtsweatNTears]

This is like watching someone die.

#MINvsLAR

[🦖Cantankerous Rex @ButtsweatNTears]

Van Ginkel needs to grow a loooooong mustache and BE the Viking.

…And then change his name to Ginkelssen.

#ATLvsMIN #SKOL

[🦖Cantankerous Rex @ButtsweatNTears]

BREAKING NEWS: Professional security entourage seen escorting CEO of Delta Dental…

#BrianThompson #UnitedHealth #UnitedHealthcare #ceodown

[🦖Cantankerous Rex @ButtsweatNTears]

After learning that the CEO of a major health insurance company was gunned down on the street, I went home and literally masturbated.

#BrianThompson #UnitedHealth #UnitedHealthcare

…and #Earthquake I guess.

[🦖Cantankerous Rex @ButtsweatNTears]

There is someone in New York right now that should get free drinks for the rest of his life. I too would like to buy him one.

Spoiler alert: It isn’t #BrianThompson.

#UnitedHealth #UnitedHealthcare

[🦖Cantankerous Rex @ButtsweatNTears]

“Pete Rose will get into the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame long before Warren Zevon.”

- David Letterman

#GreatQuotes

[🦖Cantankerous Rex @ButtsweatNTears]

Very important: We need a status report on all of #Tampa’s strippers. How are they?

#HuracanMilton #Milton #Milton2024 #MiltonFlorida

[🦖Cantankerous Rex @ButtsweatNTears]

“Party…is nothing but the madness of many for the gain of a few.”

- Alexander Pope

[🦖Cantankerous Rex @ButtsweatNTears]

@Twins

These ass-ugly uniforms look like they were designed by a DFL-appointed committee.

#Twins #HOUvsMIN

[🦖Cantankerous Rex @ButtsweatNTears]

@Twins

These blue and yellow uniforms are fucking AWFUL. They look worse than the New York Knights and they’re fake.

Knock this stupid shit off.

#Twins

[🦖Cantankerous Rex @ButtsweatNTears]

The only issue I have with atheism is baseball.

[🦖Cantankerous Rex @ButtsweatNTears]

Today at approximately 1:42pm CST would be a really really really really funny time to finally nuke Dallas, Texas.

#Eclipse2024 #EclipseSolar2024

[🦖Cantankerous Rex @ButtsweatNTears]

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like a porno name gone awry.

[🦖Cantankerous Rex @ButtsweatNTears]

I don’t tweet a lot.

But when I do, it’s too much.