Dr. Loren J Blanchard, CalStateLB President Parody

I’m about ego, excellence, and entitlement! Email content to [email protected]. Parody account for the new CalStateLB President Loren J. Blanchard.

[Dr. Loren J Blanchard, CalStateLB President Parody @CSULBPresident]

I hear UHD had massive layoffs this week. I am sure glad that Dr. Bordelon will take the fault instead of me. I spent all the money, ran away, & left UHD bankrupt. I hope CSULB’s CFO is smarter than UHD’s Criminal Financial Officer Kim-Lambert Thomas.

[Dr. Loren J Blanchard, CalStateLB President Parody @CSULBPresident]

The face of a liar!

[Dr. Loren J Blanchard, CalStateLB President Parody @CSULBPresident]

Me, photographed moments before sending an email that begins: “Due to unforeseen circumstances…” despite personally attending the meeting where the circumstances were foreseen.

My eyes are drooping. Maybe that’s why I didn’t see the cirCUMstances.

[Dr. Loren J Blanchard, CalStateLB President Parody @CSULBPresident]

Just hired a new basketball coach, and you better believe she’s Black.

CSU Long Beach -> HBCU.

👊🏿👴🏿

[Dr. Loren J Blanchard, CalStateLB President Parody @CSULBPresident]

Here I am acting like I like community colleges.

If they only knew, I HATE community college students, staff, and institutions.

[Dr. Loren J Blanchard, CalStateLB President Parody @CSULBPresident]

“Go Beach!”

I’m hearing from students that this phrase sounds stupid. Well, you all are stupid.

“Go BEACH!”

[Dr. Loren J Blanchard, CalStateLB President Parody @CSULBPresident]

I’m always bumbling!

[Dr. Loren J Blanchard, CalStateLB President Parody @CSULBPresident]

I look like a fat bubble bee. 🐝

Meanwhile, “California State University Long Beach” alumni are disgruntled about the commencement ceremonies. We used AI for name calling & speeches.

Get over it grads. AI is taking over your future! Don’t let it STING you in the ass…. Get it?

[Dr. Loren J Blanchard, CalStateLB President Parody @CSULBPresident]

Hear my lies and false commitments. My words, voice fluctuations, & claims of “student success” are all I bring.

Tangle data and outcomes? NO! Words & “plans” that lead to chaos is my mojo!

https://t.co/NTgSAabhxb

[Dr. Loren J Blanchard, CalStateLB President Parody @CSULBPresident]

Listen here “Long Beach Current Editorial Board,” I do what I want. I’ll make a ton of promises of student success, enrollment growth, & building a fiscally sound institution. Just listen to my words, do not look into my actions. Accountability? Trust? Transparency?

HELL NO!

[Dr. Loren J Blanchard, CalStateLB President Parody @CSULBPresident]

Hooking up on Canvas on the Beach?

Well, I’m used to my former UHD faculty hitting on girls in Dean Dumb-A-Ton’s College but here…. Here, I have a student stalker hitting on girls.

I allow for “Stalker Success” at Cal State Long Beach. Cum one, cum all! 💦🍑🍆

[Dr. Loren J Blanchard, CalStateLB President Parody @CSULBPresident]

I traded my old, ugly, blue suits for new, tan, baggy suits and 1990’s glasses.

If I can’t change my behavior, at least I can change my outfits & let people believe I’ve evolved into a competent president.

Meanwhile, I’ve contracted Terrence to play at my investiture.

[Dr. Loren J Blanchard, CalStateLB President Parody @CSULBPresident]

Another one bites the dust…. ZambraNO is out. I gave him a bad evaluation & told him to start looking…. Then I ran away from UHD as fast as I could.

I hear there is hope for UHD… I’m only kidding — they got BOREDalon.

[Dr. Loren J Blanchard, CalStateLB President Parody @CSULBPresident]

I am out & about on my NEW campus!

I heard loud & clear from UHD peons that I kept “too far” from “the people.”

Well, now I’m acting like I enjoy engaging with low-ranked peons in Long Beach.

How about my NEW suit? These big & sloppy pants make me look like a tan clown! 🤡

[Dr. Loren J Blanchard, CalStateLB President Parody @CSULBPresident]

NOT ON MY WATCH: These Mexicans should be fired! My mismanagement is the only mismanagement that will be tolerated at Cal State University Long Beach.

This is not student success!

[Dr. Loren J Blanchard, CalStateLB President Parody @CSULBPresident]

Today is my 1st day! Beach faculty, staff, & students: watch out. I’m demanding reports, conSULTants, & evaluations on day one.

I’ll claim student success but it’s really all about my success. I’ll make the same mistakes from UHD, because I know best.

Your hell starts today!

[Terence Blanchard @T_Blanchard]

Get ready New Orleans Ravi Coltrane and I will be performing a special late show on Saturday, May 2nd at 8pm (doors at 7pm) at #ChickieWahWah. Get Tickets https://t.co/iraXfttFS8

[Dr. Loren J Blanchard, CalStateLB President Parody @CSULBPresident]

3 days left in this shit hole, & then I’m off to Long Beach. I have aged. I have demolished. I have degraded. I have divided.

What I didn’t do was increase any relevant metric of success, but who cares? UHD is now defunct, & I’m off to ruin my third institution. You’re welcome.

[Dr. Loren J Blanchard, CalStateLB President Parody @CSULBPresident]

TOP FAILURE: MY decision to execute public nepotism & funnel $200k to MY cousin to play a concert for ME. I worked with ghetto podcast host, begged in churchs, & called all my black friends & family to try & get an audience. This is when most realized I am a professional crook!

[Dr. Loren J Blanchard, CalStateLB President Parody @CSULBPresident]

Failure #2: I fired everyone. None of them were good. It’s hard to find loyal, incompetent, weak, & desperate VPs & Deans who are “Yes Men.” I finally found the perfect team of idiots & now I’m running away. Can I pardon them before I leave — Lord knows they need it.