Calamity's Eldest

I talk to and scream at the void. It's a great listener, and I don't have to share my weed.

[Calamity's Eldest @CalamitysEldest]

@GothamConcierge @TexicanTrumpian @KenPaxtonTX It was actually filed by the Alabama attorney general. All our buddy Ken did was share it. Shout out to Ken though. Before him, I didn't know it was possible to be even MORE useless than tits on a bull. You learn something new every day...

[Calamity's Eldest @CalamitysEldest]

@annvandersteel Awww...cheer up, friend! You're not disenfranchised -- there are at least a half-dozen other mouth breathers you can vote for in the Republican primaries. Haven't you been watching the debates?

[Calamity's Eldest @CalamitysEldest]

@RadioFreeTom I feel like Smokey the Bear knows more about how to deliver a message about forest fire prevention than any American journalist. How 'bout we get HIM to teach at some of these J schools, y'all?

[Calamity's Eldest @CalamitysEldest]

@NateSilver538 Ok, I say that shit all the time, dude. And it's like I'm shouting it at a nation full of husbands. Thank you, Mr. Silver for amplifying that message with your megaphone. Keep up the good work. God bless you for this. I hope you have like...a way better day than you imagined. 😘

[Calamity's Eldest @CalamitysEldest]

My sex dream about Greg Abbott opens with me...inviting him...

...to f*ck me runnin' in a miniskirt and HEELS.

#JustSaying

[Calamity's Eldest @CalamitysEldest]

If I hadn't just MacGyvered my way through someone's SHAMEFUL IDEA of a sufficient character limit with which to make a point...

I MIGHT question the sensibility of a job market that ages all its employees out 25 years before they reach Social Security eligibility. #JustSaying

[Calamity's Eldest @CalamitysEldest]

Whoever claimed the handle @CalamitysChild before me, I need to have a little CHAT with you & Mom.

Mom, your UNVARNISHED favoritism is just...HURTFUL.

Sibling, I'm a little tired of you making me look like the slacker in this outfit. (🙄)

Love,
@CalamitysEldest

[Calamity's Eldest @CalamitysEldest]

You know...I feel like I would give you TWO damn grace characters to finish ONE damn sentence once in awhile, SELF-PROCLAIMED FREE SPEECH VEHICLE FORMERLY KNOWN AS TWITTER. But I feel like you probably wouldn't do that for me. (🙄)

[Calamity's Eldest @CalamitysEldest]

Oh, in spades...doubled and redoubled...with a notarized waiver of their own responsibility for self-reflection.

And I actually LOVE journalists, y'all.

[Victoria Brownworth @VABVOX]

So:
Biden is 80.
Trump is 77.
Biden is lean, active, walks, bikes, does pilates.
Trump is overweight, sedentary, rides a golf cart, eats fast food, has memory problems.
Why are there dozens of stories on Biden's age and fitness but none on Trump's? It's media malpractice, right?

[Calamity's Eldest @CalamitysEldest]

I don't know who lied to all you grammar snobs. But I know for a FACT that you CAN end sentences with prepositions. Texans do it ALL the time. Without even breaking a sweat. Name ONE thing about your attitude that I should put up with. I mean what is that bullshit even about?

[Calamity's Eldest @CalamitysEldest]

Well of course I'm crazy, y'all. Think about where I was born and then ask yourself if I was ever gonna even have OPPORTUNITIES to be sane.

[Calamity's Eldest @CalamitysEldest]

@LivePDDave1 @GeraldoRivera No, that me. Just kidding I don't have a dick. But I'd rather have one than be one.

[Calamity's Eldest @CalamitysEldest]

@CalltoActivism Sorry, my gut reaction is terrible at finding just one word.

[Calamity's Eldest @CalamitysEldest]

@CalltoActivism Well right NOW I'm gonna have to say a cat's asshole.

[Calamity's Eldest @CalamitysEldest]

@nathaliejacoby1 I'm not sure you understand how ending global killing sprees actually works, ma'am.

[Calamity's Eldest @CalamitysEldest]

@ChrisCuomo I don't typically get far telling people besides myself that they're wrong. Doesn't stop me from doing it sometimes. But I have better luck asking questions in my nice voice to see how fast they figure it out they figure it out for themselves. Takes some patience, but it's fun.

[Calamity's Eldest @CalamitysEldest]

I am done apologizing for how my brain works. I did not get a say in the matter, and my brain ain't hurtin' you anyway. (I mean...not to your FACE or anything).

[Calamity's Eldest @CalamitysEldest]

Well, someone's paying attention in the Mountain time zone this morning! Thanks for letting me know it, friend! Made my day. And good morning to you too! ❤️

[Calamity's Eldest @CalamitysEldest]

I do NOT mean this ugly at AT ALL:

I love grammar more than I love nearly anything. But I can only stumble my way out of so many conflicting grammatical traps before I'm gonna need everyone to either fix your own trust issues or find Mama some pronouns that work right.

[Calamity's Eldest @CalamitysEldest]

@CalltoActivism Maybe he's waving back with all five fingers, but in his heart, it's really just the one. You don't know...

[Calamity's Eldest @CalamitysEldest]

If any one of you tells me I can only italicize on Truth Social or some alt-left whacko social platform that hasn't been invented yet...

My inner trigger happy, tree hugging, long-haired hippie of a southern belle is gonna be sooo pissed.