not your weasel

in a long distance relationship with my therapist

[not your weasel @CaliforniaWeezy]

@sciencegirl Hearing voices would be a pretty obvious neurological symptom to me…

[not your weasel @CaliforniaWeezy]

@phillyflyerr I passed this one time 15 years ago and still think about/ quote it on a regular basis

[not your weasel @CaliforniaWeezy]

Historic day for my 401k

[not your weasel @CaliforniaWeezy]

When I lived in NYC I remember being told during a heat wave to conserve electricity… and then I remembered Times Square and even worse Herald Square. Imagine valuing a Samsung AD over your own wellbeing??

[not your weasel @CaliforniaWeezy]

Is that th—?

The Loewe asparagus bag? Yes it is.

[meg succession text posts @successtextpost]

they are so frog and toad coded

[michael @FilledwithUrine]

i feel like this

[˚✧benjamjn @kylie_gender]

Scrolling through Venmo looking at all the couples that charge each other money

[not your weasel @CaliforniaWeezy]

Next season on the white lotus…

[Brandi Glanville @BrandiGlanville]

🖤🤍

[not your weasel @CaliforniaWeezy]

@Olivianuzzi Looks like OJ in his isotoners

[not your weasel @CaliforniaWeezy]

I can hear her voice echoing through the halls of the lounge, “guaca moleeee!” I’m absolutely terrified of her. I want to grab snack mix but I’m afraid of her redirecting me to the guacamole. The word has lost all meaning.

[not your weasel @CaliforniaWeezy]

The woman working at the American Airlines lounge is pushing the guacamole so hard rn she’s walking around the lounge shouting “Guacamole!” making sustained eye contact with everyone while shamelessly pushing what I have to believe is absolutely sub par guacamole at best.

[not your weasel @CaliforniaWeezy]

She’s going up coo cooing people “oooh guacamole” she just physically touched the man in front of me, who is clearly on a business call, on the shoulder like he was her grandson waiting for a snack and goes “mi amore guacamole”

[not your weasel @CaliforniaWeezy]

This was actually a really funny tweet when I read it as “Ru Paul”

[Charles Booker @Booker4KY]

I am running for United States Senate because I love the Commonwealth of Kentucky, and I am so tired of Rand Paul.

[not your weasel @CaliforniaWeezy]

@SheRatesDogs Steve @l@

[gianmarco @GianmarcoSoresi]

I’m worried Kim and Kanye’s fighting is gonna pull North West in two different directions

[trash jones @jzux]

friendship is beautiful because the closer you are, the less you do when you’re together. there is nothing more sacred than the “let’s watch 3 bad movies in a row” friend

[not your weasel @CaliforniaWeezy]

My Moms United account is linked to my email and every time she books a flight I get notified. I cannot explain how many times I have woken up after a night of drinking, refreshed my email and panicked thinking I’ve drunkenly decided to treat myself to a vacation