Jake

Do Not Resuscitate

[Jake @Callmeyakub]

¿Quién te quita lo bailado?

[Jake @Callmeyakub]

Our recent experience with @airbnb has been completely subpar. We booked 3 months in advance only to be cancelled within 3 days of the trip. With zero help from customer service we rebooked with a hotel and will hesitate to book with Airbnb in the future.

[Jake @Callmeyakub]

No one ever told me how to dispose of coffee grounds from a French press so I’ll keep dumping them in the back yard

[Jake @Callmeyakub]

The maintenance man is over attending to a leak and I am code-switching so hard right now, bro

[Jake @Callmeyakub]

I’m at a bar listening to a drunk boomer talk about how she knows climate research and I, a PhD student, would love to know her secrets because I am struggling, momma

[Jake @Callmeyakub]

All I’m saying is that in my early twenties I never had to use pillows to prop myself up in bed to prevent the acid reflux that has me within an inch of my life

[Jake @Callmeyakub]

6 years ago I swore I’d never let a math class make me cry ever again but I’m close momma, so fucking close

[Jake @Callmeyakub]

Speaking of 2002, I think I’m whale-tailing at the gym rn

[Jake @Callmeyakub]

*Is objectified*

Me: Is this love?

[Jake @Callmeyakub]

My dating arch
20-21: closeted, fear-based
22-25: serial monogamy
26-27: living with parents
Present-foreseeable future: dumb bitch

[Jake @Callmeyakub]

Biceps all pumped with nowhere to go :(

[Jake @Callmeyakub]

Someone dumped pre-workout in the bubbler and it smells like someone vommed a Bud Lite Strawberita

[Jake @Callmeyakub]

I can’t believe Plato’s closet didn’t take this

[Jake @Callmeyakub]

Put too much teatree oil in my diffuser it feels like mustard gas

[Jake @Callmeyakub]

Tomato soup is like sex, in that as soon as I’m done with the grilled cheese I realize it’s kinda nasty and I’m done

[Jake @Callmeyakub]

I would like to thank thc for sponsoring that 6 hour recovery nap, couldn’t have done it without ya

[Jake @Callmeyakub]

I can’t explain it but a man carrying a duffle bag at the airport is hott and a man with a roller bag is not

[melissa broder @melissabroder]

will share my truth when i know what it is

[Jake @Callmeyakub]

Feeling depressed and burnt my kale chips :(

[Jake @Callmeyakub]

The sexual tension between my clippers and my hair…

[Jake @Callmeyakub]

Step 1: cry in shower
Step 2: solve for x