Captain Jack Sperry

It's gonna be a short game, and I gotta get home for lunch.

[Captain Jack Sperry @CaptJackSperry]

Got that Pope Francis dick

[Captain Jack Sperry @CaptJackSperry]

I don't understand what's wrong with objectifying women. I really respect objects.

[Captain Jack Sperry @CaptJackSperry]

A year has passed since the US gymnastics kicked the worlds ass. Has Maroney turned 18 yet?

[Captain Jack Sperry @CaptJackSperry]

My highest aspiration right now is to drink shitty beer until the sun comes up

[Captain Jack Sperry @CaptJackSperry]

First black member of the Aryan gang has identity crisis, curbstomps himself. Confusion ensues, but overall it makes sense

[Captain Jack Sperry @CaptJackSperry]

Only in the south can you order a beer and a spitter

[Captain Jack Sperry @CaptJackSperry]

ATX tonight. Find me

[Captain Jack Sperry @CaptJackSperry]

The Frat Knight rides tonight! @RogerDornTFM @BaconTFM @totalfratmove http://t.co/lS8llsED

[Captain Jack Sperry @CaptJackSperry]

@WRBolen I'd lightning your ass as you crossed the big jump.

[Captain Jack Sperry @CaptJackSperry]

Sometimes in life, you just need to take down a fifth of 120 proof bourbon on your own.

[Captain Jack Sperry @CaptJackSperry]

"What the fuck are we going to do with all of this 49ers confetti?" --Superdome staff

[Captain Jack Sperry @CaptJackSperry]

A lot can happen in 4 seconds. Shit, I'm lucky to last that long in bed.

[Captain Jack Sperry @CaptJackSperry]

"It's 4th down and the Super Bowl is on the line. Let's lose our fucking heads on 3. Ready break!" --49ers

[Captain Jack Sperry @CaptJackSperry]

This Collin Copernicus kid is running all over the ravens

[Captain Jack Sperry @CaptJackSperry]

If @KateUpton had the Chomp-Chomp from Mario 64 in her vagina, I would still sleep with her.

[Captain Jack Sperry @CaptJackSperry]

Having a TFM account seperate from your personal is a great idea until you're too drunk to know which one you're tweeting on.

[Captain Jack Sperry @CaptJackSperry]

Turning a game of 'just the tip' into fitting your taint in her vagina. TFM. #Caring

[Captain Jack Sperry @CaptJackSperry]

Making plaster casts of your dick with your letters on it as shacking gifts. #Caring

[Captain Jack Sperry @CaptJackSperry]

*Makes slam-sandwich on the moon* "Damn babe, this moondust is going to get all in your snatch."

[Captain Jack Sperry @CaptJackSperry]

Using the new TFM book as your cum rag. That's like, 200+ good jack off sessions. 100 if you shoot like a volcano like me. TFM.