captin big wang

Tis I, the big wang

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Mangos are just gay avocados.

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My guilty pleasure is watching drummers do that little twisty nun-chuck kinda twirl thing with the drum sticks. Idk how they do it but I’m like a moth to a lamp

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Ate 2 Oreo cakesteres today. I might cum

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Was Jesus a boobs man or a ass man?

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I seen lots of people drink beer in public but never even seen someone drink milk

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There’s no pie like a pecan pie

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Crazy to think about the fact that I should be a professional athlete right now. That ankle sprain in 7th grade really did me in

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Stayed home from work today and cleaned my whole apartment and did all my laundry and I’m gonna do all my shopping right away. I’m very ready for my significant other to make all the money and I’ll do laundry and make lunches

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@KimKardashian you up? My girls busy and I got some free time and I’m sure you do aswell 👀

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Do you think when midgets get paid, they get paid under the table

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My body is breaking down. I give it a month before I hit my expiration date

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I’d happily die than go to country fest

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I’ve heard this a serious plot point

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Please, I know everyone is excited but let’s not get carried away on this app. I beg you to not post about @minions movie because I haven’t seen it and don’t want people on Twitter to spoil it for me. I’ve been waiting for this movie since 2009. I’ve earned this #yellow

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Security guard at airports seem like a waste. They already caught Osama so we’re good

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I like to watch plane crash documentary’s for fun in my free time

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If you work at a nursing home and don’t take bets on old people wheelchair races then you’re wasting your time working there

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This girl I’m talking to got pokimon go and we’ve been playing and honestly I think I’m in love

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If I was a female bear, paddington bear could get it

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I don’t think it’s stealing if it’s something you should have