Carol Berman

I like art & also looking at my boyfriend when he's sleeping especially with the blinds open bcz it's easier to use my spyglass. Also, he's not my boyfriend.

[Carol Berman @CarolEdie]

@pamelaadlon @BetterthingsFX I am so happy for you. You’re so brilliant and so is your writing. Love you. (You prob don’t read your tweets so if your assistant is reading this, pass this on) YOU WANT DEEZ??

[Carol Berman @CarolEdie]

@Ruth_A_Buzzi My reply: I did die and you are my hell. *winkieface*

[Carol Berman @CarolEdie]

@BDGarp Yes! My personal asshole meter. That’s pretty much how I vote for judges and city council.

[Carol Berman @CarolEdie]

@GovSisolak You issued a stay home order. I erred filing for unemployment and it’s been 6 months and I’m still pending. I live with 3 people who voted for you. You have lost 3 votes.

[Carol Berman @CarolEdie]

@GovSisolak My 70 yo mother, who is an essential worker & has serious health conditions, cannot make an appointment for a vaccine. FIX THIS.

[Carol Berman @CarolEdie]

I had a joke about cancer but I’m sagittarius.

[Carol Berman @CarolEdie]

The worst accident I’ve ever had was that one time when I fell mouth first into a McDonalds Big Mac every day for 6 years.

[Carol Berman @CarolEdie]

It’s hard to know if the cheese in my fridge has spoiled since technically, cheese is already spoiled.

[Carol Berman @CarolEdie]

End of days. Hopefully these days will end soon.

[Carol Berman @CarolEdie]

Back in my day we stayed inside because the killer bees were coming.

[Carol Berman @CarolEdie]

You know that Delta Shower commercial where that scruffy guy is dancing naked in the shower and does a standing split against the wall and bends back and caresses his own chest?

[Carol Berman @CarolEdie]

@BDGarp I feel uncomfortable liking this terrible truth. I’ll am acknowledging with this reply.

[Carol Berman @CarolEdie]

Atta boy! Oh, sorry.

I mean, Atta gender-chosen-for-you-at-birth!

[Carol Berman @CarolEdie]

@MyPolishFace Your subtle style gets the point across!

[Carol Berman @CarolEdie]

@Adjective_J Makes sense.

[Carol Berman @CarolEdie]

Things to do today:
1. Take a shower.
2. Realize there’s no reason to shower.
3. Smell armpits, shrug shoulders and mumble, “humph.”
4. Change underwear.
5. Repeat steps 2 ad 3.

[Carol Berman @CarolEdie]

Thoughts I have as a direct result of social distancing: ‘All drugs and paraphernalia should be legal and easily accessible temporarily. Heroin. I mean heroin.’

[Carol Berman @CarolEdie]

@MyPolishFace That’s awful. This whole thing is just awful. I’m so sorry for you and your family’s loss.

[Carol Berman @CarolEdie]

If only there was social distancing when I lost my virginity.