yesterday at 8:30 pm while i sat in the er waiting room not sure what was going on with you, i was broken the news that you had passed. instantly tears came and i couldn’t believe it. i still can’t. i credit ben for everything i’ve accomplished. when people say they have “day ones,” ben quite literally made my day 1. from our first interaction where you venmo’d some random broke 18 year old kid from the chicago suburbs $1000, to our last interaction that same morning where you dapped me up, told me you loved me, and told me to drive safe back home. something felt off about that last goodbye, but i didn’t know why. ben was the most impactful person i’ve ever met. he somehow played the role of a father, older brother, best friend, and mentor to me. anytime i had a problem, i would go to him for advice. business problems? call ben. girl problems? call ben. life problems? he was always there for me. he taught me everything i know. he gave a burst of energy to every room he walked into. i’ve never met a single person who disliked him. this last week i spent every day with him at his parents’ place a little north of west palm. we did everything together. we were even planning to live with each other. he was the one person i could never get sick of hanging out with. now i sit with your immediate family, who i met for the first time, and we are all in shock. out of all the evil people in this world, i cried to God asking, “why him?” rest in peace to my best friend in existence. i love you forever. and like you told me on day 1, i will never fuck this up.
i don’t care for a “sorry about your loss” text. instead, take the time out of your day to do one of these:
- hug your close ones tighter than usual, you never know when someone can collapse out of the blue
- watch a video of his, read some tweets, or emails. he was the smartest person i knew, and for being so young, he was so wise. although he passed, his words should live on forever
- give gratitude for what you have right now, something you have today can be taken in an instant by tomorrow
In relationships we bombard each other with 1000 variations of the question;
Am I lovable?
But we should ask ourselves
Can I allow someone else to love me?
This is true. The "don't open up" IS incomplete. - but you need to be aware of what you're doing
General rule of thumb is you only open up if you GOT IT or have good poker face. Ur chick can actually help brainstorm extremely good solutions - u just can't be a bitch
"Babe I just lost my 4 largest clients lmao"
"omg!!! r u okay?!?!?"
"of course. Gonna be MIA getting 4 new ones this weekend. Hope you understand"
"of course babe! ILY! If u need anything LMK!!! Also didn't Susie's husband work for an SEO firm? what about him?"
"money idea. Will reach out to him"
This ^ is what good dynamic looks like. Women always pull the weirdest decade-old connections out when u need them most lmfao
But on top of this - want to save all the "fuck this is a lot" energy for ur boys. And this is why YOU NEED BOYS. Get another masculine problem-solver in the picture to lean on.
Sidenote - there is NOTHING gay or "beta" about leaning on your boys. I had a close friend kill himself last year out of the blue. I had NO fucking clue he would blast himself. If he had asked for a hand I would have given everything to help him.
Never be too proud to lean on the men around you.
Feels like I’ve attended a million funerals in the past 6 to 8 months.
Two generations behind… slowly dying out.
“Great father”
“Greater mother”
“Great uncle”
“Disciplinarian”
I wonder what they’ll call people in my generation?
“Childless”
“Degenerate”
“A proud city girl”
“A proud soft boy”
Quite the labels… maybe by the time we’re ready to die these are all “positive” descriptors.
Public Archives — Entry #7 — Saturday, March 9, 2024
Yesterday’s Recap
→ "Mastermind" meeting with a good friend
@Chadwynf is my life coach at this point. Getting that abstract into reality.
Daily Highlight⚡️
→ Watch some more Avatar
That's been the real highlight of the last couple of days.
Now—what are you doing today?
Id like to state for the record that this mysterious sheikh showed me the difference between trading as a skill and gambling.
If you think doing “little challenges “ reflects financial status
You were clearly trading from the wrong perspective
#alwaysintheshadows
Public Archives — Entry #4 — Tuesday, March 5, 2024
Yesterday’s Recap
→ Refinement of "Writing Niche" on X (formerly known as Twitter)
With the help of my good friend @Chadwynf, I was able to decide on an area of focus for my X (Twitter) writing journey.
→ Throw away and Organize Clothes
Threw away a lot of garments and old things, even though many of it wasn't in plain sight, it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders.
Many of us often hoard items, probably due to sentimental value, or just being too lazy to clean up old shit...
But, many times in life we need to have these physical things removed, to also help to clear our minds.
Daily Highlight⚡️
→ Create a [NEW] list of creators within my Niche.
→ Final preparations for my AWS Exam
Tomorrow will be my exam (finally)...
I do feel a sense of anxiety and focus when it comes to reaching new milestones.
It's not the unbearable kind, where I'm stuck in analysis paralysis.
But, it's the kind of anxiety that allows for you to not forget, nave have greater focus.
Now—what are you doing today?