Charley Zeta-Jones Maxwell

[Charley Zeta-Jones Maxwell @Charleykern]

I'd just like to give a shout-out to all my old math teachers that told me I'd never have a calculator in my pocket everywhere I went.

[Charley Zeta-Jones Maxwell @Charleykern]

You may now slime the bride

[Charley Zeta-Jones Maxwell @Charleykern]

On vacation with my dad, sneaking my sisters geek bar into the bathroom so he doesn’t see (I’m 30)

[Charley Zeta-Jones Maxwell @Charleykern]

Nominating my ex for the ice bucket challenge to break no contact

[Charley Zeta-Jones Maxwell @Charleykern]

There I was, chasing down a bouncing ping pong ball. Fake laughing to hide my frustration and embarrassment. Hunched over and grabbing nothing but air each swipe. In that moment I knew, she got the ick.

[Charley Zeta-Jones Maxwell @Charleykern]

What goes up must fall off

[Charley Zeta-Jones Maxwell @Charleykern]

The only reason my screen time is so high is I was kissing my celebrity crush with AI.
But like over and over and over and over

[Charley Zeta-Jones Maxwell @Charleykern]

I wanna get to know her on a split-screen 1v1 sort of way

[Charley Zeta-Jones Maxwell @Charleykern]

Unfortunately being an unemployed bad guitar player isn’t enough anymore. To get a gf you have to shoot a ceo

[Charley Zeta-Jones Maxwell @Charleykern]

People are like ‘enough is enough’
No fuckin duh its the same word dummy
Ugh I hate you

[Charley Zeta-Jones Maxwell @Charleykern]

U really think im normal?

[critter @BecomingCritter]

retard is normal now, what word should we bring back next

[Charley Zeta-Jones Maxwell @Charleykern]

I’m finally being called out for my fake blimp head persona :/ I thought this was hella fucking common

[Playball Carti @PlayballCarti]

Real blimp heads know how rare this is

[Charley Zeta-Jones Maxwell @Charleykern]

Six weird but legal things to do if nobody fw u

[Charley Zeta-Jones Maxwell @Charleykern]

Let me drink 12 coors banquets and drive over the speed limit.

This is not remotely dangerous, nor frowned upon.

[Rep. Josh Schriver @JoshuaSchriver]

Make gay marriage illegal again.

This is not remotely controversial, nor extreme.

[Charley Zeta-Jones Maxwell @Charleykern]

Ahh perfect. The most dangerous natural environment on the planet, just what he needs rn <3

[Pop Base @PopBase]

Joe Biden becomes the first sitting US President to visit the Amazon Rainforest.

[Charley Zeta-Jones Maxwell @Charleykern]

Jesus one of those annoying ass celebrities where he’s got hella followers but only follows one person

[Charley Zeta-Jones Maxwell @Charleykern]

He just made up this rule btw

[Elon Musk @elonmusk]

Good rule of thumb: those who frequently use the word “disinformation” are the ones most likely to be pushing it

[Charley Zeta-Jones Maxwell @Charleykern]

She real eyes realize real lies’d on it last night

[Charley Zeta-Jones Maxwell @Charleykern]

Sorry I didn’t respond, I deleted hinge and I’m getting Arthur Morgan to highest honor.

[Charley Zeta-Jones Maxwell @Charleykern]

For real 😂🤣😂😂🤣

[2 star yelp review @2StarYelp]

*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*

911 operator: i need your exact location

Me: nevermind