Chelsea Handler

Oh You Have Morals? You Must Be New Here | Parody Account | Not Associated With Chelsea Handler

[Chelsea Handler @CheIsea_HandIer]

My hair may be in a messy bun, but it took a million tries to get it to look like this.

[Chelsea Handler @CheIsea_HandIer]

Instead of calling my bathroom the John, I call him the Jim and feel much better saying I went to the jim first thing in the morning.

[Chelsea Handler @CheIsea_HandIer]

Are you a hipster or homeless? I can't tell.

[Chelsea Handler @CheIsea_HandIer]

Be classy, sassy and a little bit smart assy.

[Chelsea Handler @CheIsea_HandIer]

Shit's about to get fancy.

[Chelsea Handler @CheIsea_HandIer]

This is by far your most fucked up idea ever, I'll be there in ten minutes.

[Chelsea Handler @CheIsea_HandIer]

I never said I hated you, I just said that if you were on fire I'd consider roasting some marshmallows.

[Chelsea Handler @CheIsea_HandIer]

Should a redheaded ninja be called a "ginja?"

[Chelsea Handler @CheIsea_HandIer]

You're not allowed to enjoy the things I do because you're dumb and I hate you.

[Chelsea Handler @CheIsea_HandIer]

Anyone seen my motivation? I think I lost it somewhere between here and who the hell cares?

[Chelsea Handler @CheIsea_HandIer]

A bunch of people are coming over to my house tonight to play on their phones.

[Chelsea Handler @CheIsea_HandIer]

Trust me, when I woke up this morning, I had no plans to be this sexy -- but shit happens.

[Chelsea Handler @CheIsea_HandIer]

They should put more wine in the bottle so there's actually enough for two people...

[Chelsea Handler @CheIsea_HandIer]

Some babies were dropped on their heads, but you were clearly thrown against the wall.

[Chelsea Handler @CheIsea_HandIer]

I didn't change, I grew up. You should try it sometime.

[Chelsea Handler @CheIsea_HandIer]

How come no one is watching when I do awesome shit?

[Chelsea Handler @CheIsea_HandIer]

I dont trust camels, or anybody else who can go a week without drinking

[Chelsea Handler @CheIsea_HandIer]

I'm pissed. Let's go buy shit.

[Chelsea Handler @CheIsea_HandIer]

"Wow, that Lean Cuisine really filled me up," said no one ever.