Chloe

sassmaster

[Chloe @ChloRida]

is there anything more humbling than trying to grab an oversized bag on the carousel, only to be manhandled by your own suitcase?

[Chloe @ChloRida]

I feel like co-workers schedule a meeting and are like “wow! how crazy, everyone had an opening from 12pm-1pm so I’ll schedule our meeting for then” 😒

[Chloe @ChloRida]

my toxic trait is perpetually convincing myself that I will use the brown bananas on the counter for banana bread, despite the fact that I’ve literally made banana bread twice in my life.

[Chloe @ChloRida]

someone pls tell me I’m not the only idiot who thought that the USB port on luggage meant there was an internal battery pack in the suitcase. I just “charged” my suitcase last night... 🤦🏽‍♀️

[Chloe @ChloRida]

I cannot even guess the amount of times that I’ve accidentally typed my work username in as “cock” instead of “crock” but it almost always happens while I’m sharing my screen.

[Chloe @ChloRida]

just found out that the lime tree in my backyard is actually a lemon tree and I've just been eating unripe lemons all this time and calling them limes. life's weird, man.

[Chloe @ChloRida]

man: *washes dishes without soap*
me:

[Chloe @ChloRida]

Day 13 of quarantine: I’m learning toilet paper origami. Hello party trick.

[Chloe @ChloRida]

LOL @ all the cheating husbands out there who are now quarantined with their wives for the next 4+ weeks.

[Chloe @ChloRida]

I don’t know what kind of sick joke this was, but today my mom asked me to try on my prom dresses to “see if they still fit.” Then, inevitably, the zipper doesn’t close and she tells me “hm you’re like a sausage in that thing”

[Chloe @ChloRida]

I hope that in 5 years I have a dog and a house large enough to accommodate a multitude of Christmas trees...just putting that out into the universe for myself.

[Chloe @ChloRida]

Look, I don’t want to be dramatic here, but if I ever had a kid with a peanut allergy, I would have to give it away, because there’s no way I’m giving up peanut butter.

[Chloe @ChloRida]

I have the technological intelligence of a 70 year old.

[Chloe @ChloRida]

@mandaguagliardo how dare you turn my life upside down like this.

[Chloe @ChloRida]

Honestly, mad me is an unpredictable, petty bitch. And I’m kinda here for it.

[Chloe @ChloRida]

News channel: “chipotle bowls might be linked to cancer”
Me, in line, @ chipotle: “is the guac still extra?”

[Chloe @ChloRida]

today I was told I am “contentious, but appreciative” and I’ve honestly never felt SO understood.

[Chloe @ChloRida]

I went to Trader Joe’s the other day and they gave me a free bouquet of flowers for being their funniest customer of the day. Imagine peaking, at 25 years old, in a Trader Joe’s...not much else to aspire to, tbh.

[Chloe @ChloRida]

If buying a party platter of sushi to eat alone is wrong, then I have absolutely zero intention of being right.

[Chloe @ChloRida]

I’m the most dangerous combination of unstable and impulsive right now. Like will I paint my entire house? Go buy a dog? Quit my job? Who knows!