christopher

pronouns? sure, i'm pro nouns

[christopher @ChrisIsNotFunny]

I have opinions but not "getting into fights with idiots" level

[christopher @ChrisIsNotFunny]

I learned all my dance moves from the DVD menu screen of Superbad

[christopher @ChrisIsNotFunny]

can't imagine using the dose-measuring cap on a bottle of liquid medicine more than once. after that, the dose is a small mouthful from the healing potion flask.

[christopher @ChrisIsNotFunny]

I am so tired of having a lower jaw; can't a man just have mouthparts anymore

[christopher @ChrisIsNotFunny]

For hundreds of billions of years, Americans have died without purpose to machine gun fire. I worry the President isn't doing enough to guarantee my meaningless death.

[christopher @ChrisIsNotFunny]

why do EVs sound like space ships? lame, boring, weak. I want "herd of galloping horses", "city construction site", "gunshots"

[christopher @ChrisIsNotFunny]

The public's proposal to allow Greyhound busses to plow through stopped-up traffic on the interstate in the interest of free commerce has passed with alarming approval

[christopher @ChrisIsNotFunny]

*misremembering a fact just to add to the conversation*
"Actually I read plinko was a solved game"

[christopher @ChrisIsNotFunny]

"you're leaving me because of my obsessive need to be correct?"

"no, it's just—"

"yes it is, everyone knows it is. can i have a second guess?"

[christopher @ChrisIsNotFunny]

Please do not serve me octopus I do this thing where I spit at you

[christopher @ChrisIsNotFunny]

Mechanically separated hot dogs with rib meat

NOTE: produced in a facility which also processes toxic moon dust

[christopher @ChrisIsNotFunny]

I will hallway-check my apartment neighbors if they're loud after 9 PM like "my kids are asleep bro" and they get quiet and apologetic but I don't have kids I just hate noisy people

[christopher @ChrisIsNotFunny]

"After exposure to the John Madden anomaly, those affected will begin to experience the urge to debone and place animals into the hollow cavity of a Thanksgiving turkey, sometimes with but often without otherwise non-anomalous stuffing."

[christopher @ChrisIsNotFunny]

Nothing worse than bringing your own sliced American cheese to a hamburger joint and discovering they charge an uncorking fee

[christopher @ChrisIsNotFunny]

friday: cheeseburger
saturday: cheeseburger
sunday: TWO QUARTS OF CHICKEN STOCK
monday: cheeseburger

i fucked up my streak, chat

[christopher @ChrisIsNotFunny]

I like commercials with celebrities because otherwise I'm staring at the Capital One bank guy like "am I supposed to know who this is? what else was he in?"

[christopher @ChrisIsNotFunny]

if you offer me sunscreen and it's a cream and not a spray then i apologize in advance for the face i will make

[christopher @ChrisIsNotFunny]

there's no way a "transducer" is a real thing, I've made that term up at least three times to excuse my tardiness

[christopher @ChrisIsNotFunny]

wtf are electrons so excited about

[christopher @ChrisIsNotFunny]

I am an INTELLECTUAL which means I tend to THROW UP when I do MANUAL LABOR