christian witmer

[christian witmer @ChristWitmer]

Pisces- Likes anal sex and cupboards

Gemini- Switches out Indiana Jones trap weights

Saggitarius- Mormon hunter

Cancer- stage 4 ♥️🔮🕯📆

[christian witmer @ChristWitmer]

A show where it’s just Ferb and Silent Bob and Teller and they start a non profit

[christian witmer @ChristWitmer]

Father, I should like to marry him.

[christian witmer @ChristWitmer]

*pours cranberry sauce*

Cranberry: monster

[christian witmer @ChristWitmer]

Grammarly is a sick rts game

[christian witmer @ChristWitmer]

Who’s out there eating pheasant?

[christian witmer @ChristWitmer]

You see a duckling absolutely covered in oil, but there’s no Dawn dish soap nearby. You’re not going to use great value dish soap like an animal, so this little guy is out of luck for the foreseeable future.

[christian witmer @ChristWitmer]

Getting head in the ceiling fan by title fight

[christian witmer @ChristWitmer]

Christian: Rome fell on this dick.

Carson: I can’t live like this, Christian

[christian witmer @ChristWitmer]

The mystery gang inevitably having to wake up at 2am to grab Scooby’s shit with a thin plastic bag

[christian witmer @ChristWitmer]

“Christian will u please come to my party? Christian will you PLEASE go to my son’s bris? Christian I’m begging you to come to the seance???”

Me, casual: ok, but I gotta abscond bout halfway through….

ABSCOND HATERS: Fuck this guy!

[christian witmer @ChristWitmer]

@SemaphoraMusic Lead singer of whit waltman here, and as a staunch lover of Rime of the Ancient Mariner u have topped the original tenfold

[christian witmer @ChristWitmer]

Congressman, boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider

[christian witmer @ChristWitmer]

Also Michael Cera Palin, I’m sorry Michael Cera Palin ily 2

[christian witmer @ChristWitmer]

Bro I’m playing a show w weatherday what lol bro what

[christian witmer @ChristWitmer]

@jacc7b9b13 good moth. Also, would u want to collab maybe? I have been listening to ur music constantly lately, and I think we could make a big good track for people to ass shake to. Could b about moth, totally ur call

[christian witmer @ChristWitmer]

Typed this while both shitting and drunk, I’m a go getter and a multitasker and an entrepreneur

[christian witmer @ChristWitmer]

Im the next it boy I have the it factor I will be a very famous man because of my personal panache/moxy/grit/xfactor/sticktoitiveness/grind/9-5/star power

[christian witmer @ChristWitmer]

I’ve thrown up so much today

[christian witmer @ChristWitmer]

If a man can not taste of his own seed, how can he expect his countrymen to taste of his seed-Benjamin Franklin or Poor Richard or whatever the fuck lmao

[christian witmer @ChristWitmer]

Will smith was in the movie After Earth