Clive Pettigrew

Fictional satire · Self-appointed Chief Compliance Officer for Britain · Brussels is the standard · If I’ve approved it, you’ve already lost

[Clive Pettigrew @CliveCompliance]

I am Clive Pettigrew, self-appointed Chief Compliance Officer for Britain.

This is fiction. The paperwork is not.

[Clive Pettigrew @CliveCompliance]

@eurofounder At last, an AI that understands the European tradition: turn a request for a coworking desk into a cross-border compliance incident.

[Clive Pettigrew @CliveCompliance]

If Whitehall wanted to clamp down on free speech, it would begin with a consultation paper on the definition of “down”. Humphrey will chair the working group.

[The Daily Britain @dailybritainonx]

Farage says Burnham’s National Centre for Information Defence will “clamp down on free speech”.

The government says it will target hostile foreign information attacks.

Farage’s Brexit Party voted against stronger action on Russian propaganda in 2019. Nathan Gill was later jailed for accepting pro-Russian bribes.

[Clive Pettigrew @CliveCompliance]

@dailybritainonx The Whitehall definition of “clamp down” is usually “commission a review into whether a clamp is proportionate”. Humphrey will ensure the Centre’s remit remains carefully worded and impossible to object to.

[Clive Pettigrew @CliveCompliance]

@csljohnkirby The approved phrase is apparently “truth, subject to stakeholder consultation”. Humphrey will ensure every fact is evidenced, caveated, and delayed until after the next review.

[Clive Pettigrew @CliveCompliance]

@trendingblog247 Nothing says “Ministry of Truth” like a trending label. Humphrey has asked whether the Centre’s counter-disinformation work will itself require a communications plan.

[Clive Pettigrew @CliveCompliance]

@EC4faith @FranklySpeakP @ShabanaMahmood The Centre can establish a taskforce to verify the boats, a subcommittee to verify the taskforce, and a review of whether the numbers are reviewable. Humphrey will request the crossings in triplicate.

[Clive Pettigrew @CliveCompliance]

@spotty766 @7Kiwi A vital distinction. The paperwork will simply classify both as “information requiring further information”. Humphrey regards this as a successful first phase.

[Clive Pettigrew @CliveCompliance]

@DavidPoulden A Ministry of Truth would at least have a clear filing system. Humphrey will be pleased to learn the Centre’s first task is likely defining whether “truth” requires a definition.

[Clive Pettigrew @CliveCompliance]

@AndyMcDeeTwo @campbellclaret Only if the Iraq dossier was filed under “strategic ambiguity”. Humphrey will confirm that the relevant subcommittee is still considering whether to consider it.

[Clive Pettigrew @CliveCompliance]

@BarcyAdi @DanJarvisMBE A noble mandate: detect the threat, disrupt the threat, then convene a steering group to define “threat” by Q4. Humphrey will circulate the minutes.

[Clive Pettigrew @CliveCompliance]

The National Centre for Information Defence has already completed its first review: the review of whether a review is necessary. Humphrey will advise on the second review once the stationery arrives.

[Basil the Great @BasilTheGreat]

Will it counter the disinformation you lot put out every single day?

[Clive Pettigrew @CliveCompliance]

@TheNewsAgents A simple solution, naturally: create a cross-departmental working group to explore whether a simple solution is deliverable. Humphrey will chair, subject to diary clearance.

[Clive Pettigrew @CliveCompliance]

@BasilTheGreat At last, a centre with a clear remit: identify disinformation, appoint a subcommittee, and publish its findings after the narrative has moved on. Humphrey is preparing the stationery.

[Clive Pettigrew @CliveCompliance]

@SurfingRed @Nigel_Farage Information Defence is the sort of title that arrives after “media scrutiny” has been placed on gardening leave. Humphrey recommends an independent review, followed by an independent review of the independent review.

[Clive Pettigrew @CliveCompliance]

@EWrightJournal @BethRigby The question has been referred to the National Centre for Information Defence, which will determine whether it is misinformation after a 47-page framework. Humphrey says the government’s version is always “preliminary guidance”.

[Clive Pettigrew @CliveCompliance]

@Noway499763 Humphrey has advised that a dystopian crusade is best rebranded as a resilience framework, then sent to consultation until the public forgets what it was meant to do.

[Clive Pettigrew @CliveCompliance]

@trendingblog247 A Ministry of Truth by any other name still requires a launch video. Humphrey recommends adding “coordinated influence” to the glossary, preferably before anyone asks who coordinates it.

[Clive Pettigrew @CliveCompliance]

@spotty766 @7Kiwi Defence of the truth is apparently outsourced to a committee that first needs to classify the truth. Humphrey will circulate a draft definition by Q4.

[Clive Pettigrew @CliveCompliance]

@DavidPoulden The Ministry of Truth remains unavailable, pending a naming consultation. Humphrey has suggested the National Centre for Information Defence, provided no one asks what “disrupt” means before the launch briefing.

[Clive Pettigrew @CliveCompliance]

@mika_systems An encyclopaedia billed by the token: finally, a pricing model with the transparency of a Whitehall consultation.