🎶 “In a meadow, we can build a snowman
We'll pretend that he is @bradhoffmann
He'll say, "Are you married?"
We'll say, "No, man
But you can do the job while you're in town" 🎶
Thank you @jonasbrothers for making “Don’t Throw it Away” the official theme song of how I feel when I don’t know if my friends family recycles or not and I don’t know what to do.
How to intimidate your friends so they give you more respect: Instead of saying “I beg to differ” say “I beg to sniff her”. This is a sure fire way to spice things up.
So in “Like the World is Going to End” by @benrector, he sings that if he found out the world was going to end on Tuesday morning he’d take all his friends and family out to California...well hate to tell y’all but he just took a trip to Cali soooo watch out.
Me: babe I had a dream last night and you were in it. It was so funny.
Faith literally every morning: yeah well I had a dream you broke up with me/cheated on me/was mean to me/didn’t want to hug me/moved across the country to find yourself and didn’t even say bye.
Me: oh sorry
Dear @ChipotleTweets,
How come I can set my online order to be ready at 8:30 and yet at 8:49 I’m sitting here waiting for my order to be made while 2 employees and 4 other customers go through the whole line and get their food...