Asaf Gerchak

I am a comedian. I am not a monster.

[Asaf Gerchak @ComedianOfNote]

I like how when we call like crows or whatever intelligent we mean they can solve goldberg machines and remember the faces of their enemies, but when we call dogs intelligent we mean "she knows if she makes this one expression it's so cute that I just have to give her my cheese"

[Asaf Gerchak @ComedianOfNote]

The argument is, quite seriously, "we shouldn't have to pay you for what we stole because we already spent the money on all that stealin' gear"

[Asaf Gerchak @ComedianOfNote]

Canada's most-talked about news rn is the death of a Quebecois groundhog meteorologist, & somehow that's still less outrageously absurd than what we should be talking about - the Ont. government's latest argument for screwing Indigenous people #onpoli
https://t.co/Os16f8HFiI

[Asaf Gerchak @ComedianOfNote]

You could clean out the crumbs with the air!

[Asaf Gerchak @ComedianOfNote]

I think a good public service would be if those big, shaking bread loaf slicer machines were available free at gas stations like tire air pumps

[Asaf Gerchak @ComedianOfNote]

They would get along, they both like to vibrate with a sound you kind of feel at the back of your eyes

[Asaf Gerchak @ComedianOfNote]

Have you used a fucking knife in your
What the fuck is this

[Asaf Gerchak @ComedianOfNote]

My current favorite digital ventriloquy is that if you write cutoff sentences about food and use a lot of cursing, it sounds exactly like Gordon Ramsey

[Asaf Gerchak @ComedianOfNote]

Of fucking course the fucking stew

[Asaf Gerchak @ComedianOfNote]

@_restaurant_bot Live for the good Aaaahhs

[Asaf Gerchak @ComedianOfNote]

@fluteoftheloon @Nors_Legends @weirdlilguys Christ look at how small that person is

[Asaf Gerchak @ComedianOfNote]

Yeah, I know he wrote Extras. Making a sitcom you liked doesn't give him a pass to be an enforcer in a violent system of socio-political oppression.

Also like Extras, a few decent ideas early in his time doesn't make up for a long, steady decline.

[Asaf Gerchak @ComedianOfNote]

Since we're in another round of "famous comics attack marginalized communities and are defended on the grounds that 'edgy humor isn't for everyone'", here's a thread where I talked about why sexist, transphobic, homophobic, racist etc etc stand-up isn't edgy, just shitty & boring

[Asaf Gerchak @ComedianOfNote]

When comics are called out for jokes about abuse, predation & racism, someone always says "pushing boundaries is part of comedy." Sure, but this isn't that; comics gleefully delighting in the world's oldest power structures is the literal opposite of challenging norms

[Asaf Gerchak @ComedianOfNote]

@sarahpinsent "I haven't eaten animal products in 18 years, but based on my memory the button mushrooms I used in this recipe are indistinguishable from chicken!"

[Asaf Gerchak @ComedianOfNote]

Every"vegetarian recipe ideas" list:
-19 pastas baked w cheese
-cauliflower tacos
-chili
-hummus
-hmm ok could we put quinoa under the chili or hummus
-white person makes curry
-veggie burgs BUT w WALNUTS and NO STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY
-onepot Utter Sadness Organics™ lentils & rice

[Asaf Gerchak @ComedianOfNote]

Events today near Parliament are scary & serious, but it's v funny that Ottawa is so small, reporters can tweet like "police have pushed to ~150m to the right of Parliament, having started near that nice statue about the feminist court case that you pass on the way to the Market"

[Asaf Gerchak @ComedianOfNote]

@sarahpinsent It's especially harsh that you make her wear that knit green vest over a striped shirt

[Asaf Gerchak @ComedianOfNote]

Transphobia said they made this Spotify playlist for you but they actually say that to everyone

[Asaf Gerchak @ComedianOfNote]

Hey what if we told everyone that climate change ghosted a bunch of people after a few dates

[Asaf Gerchak @ComedianOfNote]

I hear police departments regularly set up more than one date per weekend