Comedian Ben Brainard

Comedian. Writer. Voice actor. Sock enthusiast.

[Comedian Ben Brainard @ComedyBrainard]

Me: “No, we don’t get to see what Scar is like before Mufasa dies. But, we do get to see a little bit what he is like as king, and that’s where Killmonger is different.”

My dentist: “Okay, but do you floss?”

[Comedian Ben Brainard @ComedyBrainard]

I don’t think I would tell anyone if I won the lottery.
But if I did, you’d know because I’d be wearing pants that fit.

[Comedian Ben Brainard @ComedyBrainard]

Me: *starts taking steroids*

My friends (not on steroids): *try on my hat*

My friends: “Hey, we have the same hate size.”

[Comedian Ben Brainard @ComedyBrainard]

Remember when you were playing a game as a kid and your friend did something you didn’t like so you just said, “No! You can’t do that!” with no further explanation? https://t.co/7Rtce1QYfA

[The Associated Press @AP]

BREAKING: Georgia lawmakers pass bill that effectively punishes Delta Air Lines for cutting ties with the NRA.

[Comedian Ben Brainard @ComedyBrainard]

When the new guy at works tries to tell you how to do your job.

[Comedian Ben Brainard @ComedyBrainard]

Banana: *is bruised*
Me: “Who hurt you??”

[Comedian Ben Brainard @ComedyBrainard]

What it’s like with ADD:

Have you ever just been making a sandwich and you take the bread-
I saw a video the other day about a dog who was really-
I haven’t fed my fish in 3 days and I don’t think-
The Iron Giant is a really under appreciated film.

What were we talking about?

[Comedian Ben Brainard @ComedyBrainard]

When you open Twitter, do you ever squint when the bird gets smaller and then open your eyes real big when it grows?
I’m not crazy. Right? Right??

[Comedian Ben Brainard @ComedyBrainard]

If you had to teach the class: “How to be a bad customer,” which lesson would you teach?

I would teach the first lesson:
Never treat the cashier like a human

[Comedian Ben Brainard @ComedyBrainard]

@bowlingforjews But it’s so comf

[Comedian Ben Brainard @ComedyBrainard]

Black Panther has me feeling some type of way-oh-aye-oh-aye.

WAIT FOR IT
#BlackPanther

[Comedian Ben Brainard @ComedyBrainard]

Me: “I like your style!”
Her: “My boyfriend does, too.”
Me: “That makes sense. It’d be weird if he hated your style.”
Her: “Are you even trying to hit on me?”
Me: “No, this is publix. Please just scan my items. You’re giving me anxiety.”

[Comedian Ben Brainard @ComedyBrainard]

My phone autocorrected “queso” to “quest.”

I understand what I must do.

[Comedian Ben Brainard @ComedyBrainard]

Me: “Oh, this is my favorite scene! This is when Detective Hops finds out that Night Howlers are plants and the mayors assistant is behind all of it!”
Bae: “How’d you get in my house?”

[Comedian Ben Brainard @ComedyBrainard]

Hey! Check out this new video! How did this homeless guy get a kid? What's the weirdest thing you've read on a homeless man's sign?

[Comedian Ben Brainard @ComedyBrainard]

#mondaymotivation! If he can do it, so can you!
But, you probably shouldn’t.
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#homeless… https://t.co/0cgUIfGtUU

[Comedian Ben Brainard @ComedyBrainard]

What’d you think of the new Star Wars? Tag your friends that have seen it!

[Comedian Ben Brainard @ComedyBrainard]

Orlando Lesson #1: The Homeless Man Gap