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Laughing is good for your abs and muscles! Follow us for an intense workout!

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People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

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If couples who are in love are called LOVE BIRDS, then couples who always argue should be called ANGRY BIRDS?

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British: "One Dye-rection." Americans: "One Der-ection." Chinese: "Wan Da-re-shun." Irish: "Wander-action." Me: "Wand Erection."

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I hate when people are at my house and ask, "do you have a bathroom?" Nooo, we shit in the yard.

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Pulling out gum at school is like pulling out crack at a rehab center.

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To do list: 1. Buy a turtle. 2. Name it "The Speed of Light". 3. Be able to honestly say "I can run faster than The Speed of Light"

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"DO YOU WANT TO SHARE THAT WITH THE WHOLE CLASS!?" No, that's why I whispered it.

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That awkward moment when a package says "Easy open" & you end up using scissors, knife, hammer, gun & a lightsaber trying to open it.

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"I'm going to bed" Really means.. "I'm going to lie on my bed and be on my phone."

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That gangsta feeling when you rap your favorite song without messing up.

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"Hey, can you do me a favor?" "Does it involve getting up?" "Yes." "Then no."

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Next time you feel a sneeze coming on, yell out, "PIKA" right before the sneeze.

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"Sorry, you're not my type." "WELL YOU'RE NOT MY SPECIES!"

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Friend: "Hey, you're blocking the view!" Me: "I am the view."

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It's been 10 fucking years... Face it, Spongebob, you're not going to get your license.

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Hola! Como estas?" Spanish person: *Speaks Spanish mad fast* Me: "Mamacita, chill! Pitbull didn't teach me that yet!"

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The first time I had a McFlurry, I thought the spoon was a straw too.