Conan O'Brien

I Hate Crippled Jokes, I Mean I Can't Stand Them... **Parody Account** Not Affiliated WIth Conan O' Brien

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Immature: A word used by boring people to describe fun people.

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I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror. Dammit!

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When I was a kid the "parental control" button was a belt.

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I look at people sometimes and think, "That's the sperm that won?...Seriously?..."

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British:" `Helloo beautiful. How are you my love?" Australian:"G`day mate!" Canadian: "Eh?" American: "Aye shawty, whadup?"

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I wasn't mad. Then you asked me 10 times if I was mad. Now I'm mad.

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You can pretend that we are strangers but I've seen you naked before...

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I wish I could put people on mute.

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Big girls don't cry. (They eat)

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A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit, a crab with a whale as a daughter... The creators of Spongebob were obviously high.

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Guy: "Send me a naked pic baby ;)" Girl: 'Promise you won't show anyone?' Guy: "I promise." Friends: "DAAAAMMMMNNN!!"

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The most terrifying question a woman can ask a man is: Notice anything different?

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Best pick up line ever: Hi, I'm Barney Stinson.

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You text him, he doesn't text back. Obviously he was "so" excited that you texted him, that he fainted. Obviously.

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They could put nuclear missile launch codes in porn movie end credits and they'd still be perfectly safe.

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Ok, ok. Now I'm serious... *Long pause* ... *Bursts out laughing*

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I'll drink responsibly when there is a brand of scotch named Responsibly.

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Some people like to call it bragging. I call it motivational speaking.

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If you watch the Titanic backwards, it's about a magical boat that saves people.